Woodbury County Democrats

2007 Late Night Political Humor Archive:
The Best From Leno, Letterman, O'Brien, Mahr, Stewart
Collected by the incredible San Diego Democratic Party at www.sddemocrats.org
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"Hey, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It's kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech." --Jay Leno

"Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush said, 'The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.' Then Dick Cheney said, 'But not the oil, right?'" --Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State Department. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'" --Bill Maher

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? ... He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday." --Bill Maher

"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'" --Seth Meyers

"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"It looks like oil may soon hit a $100 a barrel. And today, President Bush said, 'Well how much without the barrel?'" --Jay Leno

"We hear FEMA members are all getting dressed up as reporters this year. ... You know about this latest FEMA controversy, this is just unbelievable. In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phoney press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney went hunting this week. As part of his entourage he has an ambulance. This is true, he has an ambulance with him wherever he goes. This is very clever. See what he does is, he uses the ambulance to flush lawyers out into the open and then..." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney and Barack Obama ... are eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Even more amazing, Dick Cheney, Darth Vader -- second cousins." --Jay Leno

"The Dalai Lama told President Bush that he had seen evil firsthand. President Bush said, 'Great, you got to meet Vice President Cheney.'" --Jay Leno

"During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner's. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'No one likes a show-off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week, Vice President Cheney's wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great-grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock." --Conan O'Brien

"Isn't that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno

"Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he's going to try to follow Ronald Reagan's 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let's hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Political experts are saying that Giuliani and McCain could be the Republican ticket. Or, a remake of 'Grumpy Old Men'" --Jay Leno

"Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama ... is attacking some of Hillary Clinton's comments on torture. At one point, Hillary Clinton said that in some narrow cases, torture could be acceptable. Like, for example, when you're husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning" --Jay Leno

"And Mitt Romney was asked if he would seek congressional approval to attack Iran. ... He said he would check with his attorneys. Is that the right answer? I'm not sure. ... And then Fred Thompson said he would check with his manager and his publicist. That's the right answer." --Bill Maher

"This week, President Bush said that Congress needs to give him more power to spy on Americans by making changes to the Protect America Act. Did you ever notice they always give these pieces of legislation names you can't disagree with? The Protect America Act. ... Give it a fair name. At least call it the Ignore The Constitution Act." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans had another big presidential debate earlier today on CNBC. CNBC -- it's like NBC, but with even less viewers. ... All the big name Republican candidates were there. The old guy was there, the really old guy was there, and the really, really old guy was there. ... Did you see 'em lined up? They looked like a pack of vanilla wafers." -Jay Leno

"This was Fred Thompson's first debate. Remember Fred Thompson from the show 'Law & Order'? Also, Rudy Giuliani, remember him from the TV show 'Cheaters'?" -Jay Leno

"It was a big night for Fred. His wife wanted to watch, but you know Fred's rules -- no TV on a school night." -Jay Leno

"After the debate ... they go into these spin rooms -- all the people from the various campaigns -- and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson's people said he won because he didn't fall asleep. ... Mitt Romney's campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. ... And Rudy's campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife." -Jay Leno

"Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don't think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, 'Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them'" --Jay Leno

"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien

"The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno

"While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don't know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can't get more Republican than that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, for some reason, has vetoed the Child Health Insurance Plan. I believe his comment was, 'Childrens do get sick, but childrens do get better again.'" --Jay Leno

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling" --Jay Leno

"The Yankees made it into the play-offs ... on a wild card. By the way, that's also how we got President Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush is now saying there's a good chance we will be bombing Iran ... because he is convinced they have nuclear weapons. Well, he would know." --David Letterman

"This is good news: President Bush says he's going to ... finally take some action on global warming, because he became very alarmed when another chunk of ice broke off his mother" --David Letterman

"PBS host Tavis Smiley ... was the moderator at the Republican debate on minority issues at Morgan State University. But not one of the four leading Republican candidates -- Giuliani, Thompson, McCain or Romney-- showed up for the debate on black issues. How are you going to stand up to the terrorists when you're afraid of a guy named Tavis Smiley?" --Jay Leno

"As you all know, America is facing a health care crisis ... in that the Democrats are trying to provide health care. Every Democratic presidential candidate has a plan to just give away health insurance. From Obama, Edwards and Hillary's mandatory coverage plans, which would all be funded by repealing Bush's tax cuts, to Mike Gravel's plan of rummaging through pharmacy dumpsters, which he would pay for by playing the saw on the subway" --Stephen Colbert

"There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues, and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. ... None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson -- not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where nobody will vote for them" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. ... The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'" --Jay Leno

"This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

It turns out that during the president's 20-minute speech, he only mentioned Iran once in passing and Iraq twice, focusing more on how he also doesn't like Burma, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Kurgistan, and -- this was odd -- the show 'Two and A Half Men'" --Jon Stewart, on Bush's address to the U.N. General Assembly

"Instead of New York, I wish they would have invited Ahmadinejad to California. That would have been fun to watch Governor Schwarzenegger trying to introduce him." --Jay Leno

"I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people" --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno

"The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can't even be a millionaire and be on the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see that, the Bush tax cuts are working" --Jay Leno

"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Rudy says he is not going to go to the ... 'black debate' this month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican frontrunners. I think that's just as well. I don't think the Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, 'cause they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he said, 'I prefer The Jackson 5.'" --Bill Maher

"Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate" --Bill Maher

"It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. It was just like the other debates, except the moderator asked the same question over and over." --Conan O'Brien

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

"CNN's Lou Dobbs will be off the air for two weeks after a tonsillectomy. I thought this was kind of mean. While he is recovering, CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant." --Jay Leno

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life." --Jimmy Kimmel

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"Here's an interesting story: President Bush got in a very testy exchange with the president of South Korea over North Korea. ... The South Korean President wants the U.S. government to officially end the Korean War, which was 55 years ago. We never officially ended that war. ... But you know President Bush, he doesn't like setting timetables." --Jay Leno

Bush was in Iraq for a total of six hours, all of it within the 17-mile perimeter of the highly-secured Al Asad airbase. His take away? [on screen: Bush saying, 'When you stand on the ground here in Anbar and hear from the people who live here, you can see what the future of Iraq can look like']. A giant, heavily-armed U.S. military base surrounded by a bloody sectarian free for all. He's a dreamer" --Jon Stewart

"Now yesterday he was in Australia, and listen to this. A TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"Osama Bin Laden is set to release yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones." --Jay Leno

"Did you know this? Interesting story, Senator Thompson married his first wife when he was 17, and, ironically, married his second wife when she was 17." --Jay Leno

"Well at the big summit meeting in Australia, Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australian troops Austrian troops, and then left the stage the wrong way. So he's given the wrong information when he got there, he stumbled when he was there, and couldn't figure out how to leave. It's like Iraq all over again." --Jay Leno

"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter." --David Letterman

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? You know a debate is dull when the most exciting guy there is Brit Hume. Side effects of the Republican debate include dizziness, nausea and sexual dysfunction." --David Letterman

"While the Republicans had their 789th debate last night, the big issue of course was the war in Iraq. The candidates were split over it, some Republicans were in favor of it, and other Republicans were really, really in favor of it." --Jay Leno

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"A very scary moment for four U.S. Senators and Congressmen. I guess Senator Mel Martinez, Richard Shelby, James Inhofe and Congressman Bud Cramer were visiting the troops when their C-130 cargo plane had to take evasive action to avoid gunfire, and that's while taking off from Newark." --Jay Leno

"In a new biography coming out soon about President George W. Bush, when asked what his plans where after he leaves office, President Bush said he'd like to make some money giving speeches. He wants to give speeches. Well, you can't say the man doesn't know where his strengths are." --Jay Leno

"Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise?" --Jay Leno

"I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says 'I do tears,' which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads." --Jimmy Kimmel

""Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn't know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that's his number one guess." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don't know whether it was jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy" --David Letterman

"President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned, no one works there anymore. In fact, today was Karl Rove's last day at the White House. Yeah, he wanted to wait until everything was just perfect before he left. You know, you don't want to leave the country in a mess." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's daughter Jenna Bush is engaged to be married, but no date has been set for the wedding. He's against any kind of timetable." --Jay Leno

"President Bush loves the Labor Day weekend. It gives him a chance to unwind, and, gosh, I'm thinking 'when does this guy wind?'" --David Letterman

"Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A couple of big anniversaries this week. It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina, and one year since FEMA found out about it." --Jay Leno

"The arresting officer said their eyes met through the crack in the bathroom stall door, which is ironic because that's how I met my wife." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor 'I got here as quick as I could'" --Jay Leno

"The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"The Democrats may have control of the House, but the Republicans have control of the bathrooms." --Jay Leno

"Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake." --David Letterman

"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Larry Craig's bathroom incident

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman

People are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'" --David Letterman

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. ... Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. ... Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. ... If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno

""Fred Thompson said he's still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He's been testing the water for what, six month now? In fact, those aren't wrinkles on his face. He's starting to prune up" --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a big speech about Iraq this week. He said the surge is working, a free Iraq is within our reach, and if we don't beat them there, they'll follow us home. That's the great thing about George Bush. I can take three months off and when I come back, he's still making the same stupid speech." --Bill Maher

"Bush is so hard up for good news, he called a press conference this morning to announce that Britney's hair is growing back." --Bill Maher

"I hate to be one of the naysayers ... who says the surge isn't working, but I'm sorry, it was in the paper today that the number of Iraqis ... who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, 'surged.' In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad, it looks like America's real estate market." --Bill Maher

"They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. ... They said ... the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness?" --Bill Maher

"Ted Nugent was giving a concert and he held up a machine gun and made veiled threats about Hillary and Barack Obama. I find this shocking. Ted Nugent still has concerts?" --Bill Maher

"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family: # 1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family"

"You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick." --David Letterman

"In just three weeks, General David Petraeus is scheduled to deliver his long awaited report on the Iraq surge. Will he say it's a success, thus vindicating the White House? Or will he say it's a failure, which somehow also will vindicate the White House? --Jon Stewart

"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ... The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno

"This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military and he said that his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road and campaigning for him. Now there's a tough choice: Iraq, or Iowa?? "Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?" --Jay Leno

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. ... Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno

"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration is now looking into the possibility of pumping Iraq's oil into Israel. Well, that should calm things down over there. Finally a common sense solution!" --Jay Leno

"Iraq's new Congress has adjourned for the summer and they say they will be back in September. See, that's when you know the war is going badly -- when the Iraqis pull out. ... Iran's president ... is very upset about the U.S. arms deals with the Saudis, 'cause he says it will destabilize the region. God, just when things were going so well." --Jay Leno

"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. ... Working on Dick Cheney's heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Iraq's parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq during August, the likes of which hasn't been seen since June or July" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It's entitled 'Pumping Fiber'" --David Letterman

"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media team has resigned. McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman ... John McCain" --Jay Leno

"O'Reilly isn't the only one out there tackling the big issues that aren't Iraq. Luckily, there's also 'Hannity and Colmes.' I love this show. It's like watching Dorian Gray and his picture at the same time. Sean Hannity knows there is no greater threat to America today than Bill Clinton 15 years ago" --Stephen Colbert

"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve?" --Jay Leno

"Doctors said that during the colonoscopy, they did find something -- five polyps and two reporters from Fox News." --Jay leno

"Rudy Giuliani ... actually brags on the campaign trail that on 9/11, as the towers are going down, he turns to his super corrupt chief of police and said, 'Thank God George Bush is president.' That alone should disqualify a person from any higher office." --Bill Maher

"Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States ... because it's all about image. He's got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife ... whoever that may be at the time. ... Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote." --Bill Maher

"The Republicans would have a field day if Hillary [Clinton] and Barack Obamaran together. First, Bush would call like twelve fake terror alerts. And then the Republicans would run a series of ads about how terrorism is happening now again ... and this is no time to trust the country to a woman and a black teenager" --Bill Maher

"While he is under, they will temporarily transfer power to Dick Cheney. Well, good luck getting that power back. By noon tomorrow, he will have invaded Iran, Syria and Malibu." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Ambassador to Iraq said today he was not aware of any plan B strategy by our government for Iraq. Of course there's no plan B. We don't have a plan A." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow, President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he's going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That's right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Voldemort will be running the country." --Conan O'Brien

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"Fox News is now reporting that there are people in the CIA who are working against President Bush's policy by using incompetence. So apparently, they are fighting fire with fire." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new campaign slogan, 'An Army Of One.' ... I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans were saying, 'Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq.' And I'm thinking, 'Well hell, chaos would be an improvement.'" --David Letterman

"Tonight, down in Washington, DC, Congress is working around the clock to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, 'Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in.'" --David Letterman

"In other political news, John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment ... because his communications director quit." --Jay Leno

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sports Illustrated says that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is like a 'golf nut' now. She plays golf all the time. She went golfing with Cheney. Condoleezza shot an 83 and Cheney shot two attorneys and an accountant." --Jay Leno

"The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. ... $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are -- Scooter Libby?" --Jay Leno

"The U.S. government is now offering $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. Are you like me, thinking, 'Wow, do we really have that much left?' --David Letterman

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno

"It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno

"According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him 'my dream guy! He's got my vote.'" --Jay Leno

"And listen to this, here's another bizarre one. A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks ... required in Iraq. If things don't improve, people are going to think the war isn't going well." --David Letterman

"Well now more problems with this Vitter guy. You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker." --Jay Leno

"And Colin Powell said this week he once spent two and a half hours trying to talk President Bush out of going to war in Iraq. Well actually, the first hour and a half were spent trying to get Bush to put down the Gameboy." --Jay Leno

"Officials in Iran have announced that a man convicted of adultery there has been stoned to death. ... Imagine if they did that in Washington, they'd be out of stones like the first week." --Jay Leno

"A new poll finds that Dick Cheney has a 59% disapproval rating, which makes him the least popular vice president in history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney's wife and kids." --Conan O'Brien

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"Boy, you folks here in the audience, you're here on a great night. Everybody in the theater tonight will have their sentence commuted by President Bush, congratulations." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Bush hosted a town meeting style event in Cleveland. ... During the event, Bush discussed strategies for getting out of Iraq, and strategies for getting out of Cleveland." --Conan O'Brien

"Washington, D.C.: It's so hot down there, a chunk of ice fell off Dick Cheney. So hot, Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler. ... So hot today, President Bush pardoned Al Roker. So hot, Al Gore's son was doing 100 mph in a Mr. Softee truck." --David Letterman

"It was so hot, the mayor of Los Angeles found out what his mistress would do for a Klondike Bar. ... That's the big story in Los Angeles. It seems our mayor is getting a divorce and is dating a local TV news anchor. To which Rudy Giuliani said, 'Hey, when I was mayor that was a slow week.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, this President Bush had commuted Scooter Libby because he felt that 30 months in jail for four felonies was way too harsh, so he reduced it a little back to nothing, zero. See, that's called the rich white guy reduction. See, that's 'cause his name's Scooter. There's not a lot of guys named Jamal gettin' that deal. Nah, Jamal is doin' 30 months for jaywalking." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told British reporters last week he wishes he was a better speaker -- at least that's what they think he said. They're not quite sure." --Jay Leno

[On the new Seven Wonders of the World]: "After seeing the list, President Bush asked, 'Hey, what about Space Mountain?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Analogies were my favorite part of the SATs. I feel like we should do some tonight. ... President George W. Bush last week shocked many Americans by commuting a sentence: President George W. Bush this week shocked many Americans by completing a sentence." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed to pass.'" --Jay Leno

"The Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill. 10,000 calls ... all from Lou Dobbs." --Jay Leno

"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno

"The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin." --Jay Leno

"Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling" --Jay Leno

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair left office after 10 years today. President Bush was pretty upset. Although they told President Bush that Blair just went to live on a farm." --Jay Leno

"A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people -- Cheney and Bush " --Jay Leno

"The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country." --Jay Leno

"The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has picked 'You and I' by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. In a related story, John McCain's campaign song also by Celine Dion. It's the theme from 'Titantic.'" --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

"'Rudy's promises to America.' Yes, Rudolph Giuliani always keeps his promises, unless he makes them to you as you're marrying him" --Jon Stewart

"Scooter Libby is going to jail unless President Bush acts quickly. And the city of New Orleans says, 'Good luck with Bush acting quickly'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promised if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. So, sorry Scooter, you are going to jail." --Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. ... So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore." --David Letterman

"George Bush ... was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman

"Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, 'I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard'" --Conan O'Brien

"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, 'The first step to the White House.'" --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson's on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on 'Law & Order.' That's typical Hollywood typecasting. He's a Republican ... so Hollywood automatically puts him on 'Law & Order.' See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on 'Desperate Housewives.'" --Jay Leno

"According to the L.A. Times ... Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He's second. He's popular with what they call the Republican base. He's considered a straight shooter. Don't confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can't shoot straight." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. ... Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time." --David Letterman

"George Bush is traveling around Europe. ... A couple of days ago, he's touring through Albania and he's shaking hands with people and someone steals his wrist watch. ... The Secret Service jumped right on it and they turned in a description of the watch. Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow." --David Letterman

"He's back in Washington now. ... Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly, the Republicans in attendance didn't care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it." --Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, 'Look, a car!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush talked about his immigration bill and said, 'The political process is two steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.' Then he did it for 40 minutes." --Conan O'Brien

"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded." --Jon Stewart

"To get a pleasant reception, the president only needed to fly to a country referred to as 'the poor man's Kazakhstan.'" --Jon Stewart

"Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions" --Jon Stewart

Those who take him (Bush) for granted ate a big slice of 'no-longer-taking-for-granted' pie this weekend, when our commander-in-chief made a visit to Albania. He got a hero's welcome, swarmed by mobs of adoring fans. He is so beloved, the gypsies actually put money in his pockets. ... And if you missed that footage this morning, just click over to Fox News. I believe they're running it on a loop." --Stephen Colbert

"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush got a hero's welcome this week in Albania. He was thrilled. He thought he was in Alabama. Go Crimson Tide" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the pope on Saturday. There was one awkward moment ... when he asked the pope, 'Hey, how's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit

Late today, Putin offered a compromise ... that the U.S. locate its missile shield not in Eastern Europe, but in the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan. A proposal Bush said he would study. And by 'study,' he meant 'find Azerbaijan'" --Jon Stewart

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks. They won the Stanley Cup Championship. I believe this is the biggest victory for ducks since Dick Cheney shot that lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

"So nobody saw the Republican debate last night? There haven't been that many white people on TV since NBC canceled 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno

"Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. ... President Bush is there. See, I don't think President Bush really understands the G8. ... Every time someone says G8, he yells out, 'Bingo.'" --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison ... even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma" --Jay Leno

"No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'" --
Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate:

"I got another good one for you -- what's the difference between Tommy Thompson and Benedict Arnold? Benedict Arnold's parents spent more than 10 seconds coming up with his name." --Stephen Colbert

"Earlier today, a federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter." --Jay Leno

"The third Republican presidential primary debate was in New Hampshire tonight. This is a very important debate ... because the election is only one year, four months, three weeks and six days away. There are 10 Republican candidates. ... There are now, I think, more Republican candidates than there are Republican voters remaining." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Scooter Libby, former aid to Vice President Cheney, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, 'I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.'" --Conan O'Brien

"On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans" --Jon Stewart

"This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that's when you know things are bad ... when the Germans think you're invading too many countries." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today the surge policy is working. In fact, gas prices have surged almost $4 a minute." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him ... and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were." --Jay Leno

"How about that thing over the weekend? The authorities busted that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. ... Here's the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this ... were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs?" --David Letterman

"President Bush is off to Europe for the big G8 Summit ... and his approval rating is very low. Right now, he's less popular than that tuberculosis guy." --David Letterman

"Last night, CNN hosted the second in a series of infinite Democratic debates. ... Most people feel candidates should get more time to answer the questions than contestants on 'Deal or No Deal' get. ... What is with the raising the hand thing? From now on ... the only question candidates can answer by raising their hands should be 'Are you happy?' and 'Do you know it?'" --Jon Stewart

"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on 'Larry King Live.' When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, at a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. Apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving other birds." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress just passed a law against gas station price-gauging. You know how you can tell if a gas station is price gauging? If the sign says 'Open.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to ... Rudy Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, at a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. Apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving other birds." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress just passed a law against gas station price-gauging. You know how you can tell if a gas station is price gauging? If the sign says 'Open.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to ... Rudy Giuliani. He celebrated a wedding anniversary today. He also has another one tomorrow, and two on Monday if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush lashed back at Jimmy Carter saying, 'Hey, if it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be that many poor people for you to build houses for.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush was caught driving his truck without a seatbelt on at his ranch, but that's not even the dangerous part, the dangerous part is Dick Cheney was riding shotgun." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth, and get paid for it." --Jay Leno

"Under this new congressional plan, illegal immigrants would be able to live in the United States if they pay a $5,000 fine. $5,000? So, that would rule out working people or parents trying to support a family. However, you would get to keep all the drug dealers." --Jay Leno

"Carter actually said George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said, 'No, that's not true.' He said he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C-minus in history." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey in Money Magazine, six percent of Americans said they would be willing to sleep with their boss if it would help their career. When he heard about it, the head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, said, 'I need names. I need phone numbers.'" --Jay Leno

"Big news about the '08 presidential election. Florida just announced it has moved up its primary to January 29th. This will give Florida voters a chance to get to the polls earlier and cast their votes for Herbert Hoover." --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, came to America today to check into a weight loss clinic 'cause he's dangerously obese. Apparently, Talabani is the only Iraqi these days worried about dying of natural causes." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Congress is considering issuing a no-confidence resolution concerning Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'You know, that's not going to help his confidence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The 12 million people who are here illegally are going to have to go back home to their home countries, touch base, pay a $5,000 fine and then reapply. Also, you have to prove you've never broken the law here or you can't get back in. So, Alberto Gonzales is really screwed." --Bill Maher

"The liberals are saying that this guest worker program ... is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labor. To which the president said, 'And the problem is?'" --Bill Maher

"I don't blame the president. He doesn't really understand, first of all, what amnesty means. He thinks amnesty is what happens on soap operas when people wake up and they can't remember anything." --Bill Maher

"The people who were trying to get him out had to agree to say that he was not guilty of doing any wrongdoing. That was very important to Wolfowitz because he does not want anything to tarnish his reputation as the architect of the Iraq war." --Bill Maher

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high of $3.15 this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." --Amy Poehler

"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno

"They're going to have to pay a $5,000 fine. Where are these people going to get five grand? I mean, what are the chances Wal-Mart's going to give them a raise?" --Jay Leno

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble for promoting his girlfriend and then giving her a huge raise. This is a worse tragedy for the girl ... because now it means she slept with him for nothing" --Jay Leno

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble. He promoted his girlfriend and gave her a job at the Bank. That's big news. A Republican forced out over a sex scandal involving ... a woman?!" --Jay Leno

"That's the difference between Democrats and Republicans right there. If you're a Democrat and you work on Wall Street, then you've got some explaining to do. If you're a Republican, you got the nomination." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that he is willing to be the last man standing in support of the war. I think he already is." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Texas think you need a course on how to keep a marriage together. Who's going to teach it? Rudy Giuliani? Newt Gingrich?" --Jay Leno

"Under this new immigration deal, illegal aliens can become legal by paying a fine of $5,000. Where are they going to get that? The only aliens who can afford that are starting for the Yankees." --Jay Leno

"Here's news from Washington, DC: We now have a new war czar. Yes, he was appointed by President Bush, so what could go wrong?" --David Letterman

"Last night, Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, they had another Republican presidential debate. ... Did you see those Republican candidates? They looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie." --David Letterman

"The 10 Republican presidential candidates held the debate on Fox News. Now, normally I don't make predictions. I don't go out on a limb and say who I'm for, but I'm pretty confident in saying the debate was won by the rich white guy." --Jay Leno

"They all answered some tough questions. Rudy Giuliani had to answer for his position on abortion. John McCain had to answer on his support of immigration reform. And Mike Huckabee had to answer the question, 'Who are you?'" --Jay Leno

"Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil." --Jay Leno

"This weekend in Virginia, President Bush attended some big event. He got up at one point on the spur of the moment and conducted a 400-piece orchestra. ... Apparently, it was the first time a 400-piece orchestra has ever played 'The Wheels on the Bus.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A group that researches ancestry announced that President Bush is a descendant of Pocahontas. Native Americans were furious. They said, 'Great. First you take our land and now you blame us for President Bush.'" --Conan O'Brien

"They didn't have the heart to tell Bush. They didn't say Blair was gone. They just said he went to live on a farm." --Bill Maher

"Apparently, we may have foiled a terrorist attack right here in America. Six bozos were going to attack the army base at Fort Dix, New Jersey. But Bush outsmarted them ... because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq." --Bill Maher

"You know who went to Iraq this week? Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney made a surprise visit -- like there's any other kind you can make there. No agenda. He just went on a not listening tour." --Bill Maher

"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Myers

"On Monday, President Bush held his first-ever white tie dinner in honor of Queen Elizabeth, opting to save the even more formal platinum tie dinner for when Spiderman visits." --Amy Poehler

"While visiting troops in Iraq on Thursday, Vice President Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hardships from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane and left." --Amy Poehler

"It's like our darkest nightmare. Paris Hilton is going to prison. But, on the other hand, President Bush says it's proof that we're winning the war against celebutants" --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, Senator John McCain says the last music he bought was the Beach Boys, while Mitt Romney says the last music he bought was Roy Orbison. Apparently, McCain and Romney are both running for president in 1964"--Conan O'Brien

"According to a new State Department report, the number of terrorist attacks in Iraq jumped 91% from 2005 to 2006, many of the attacks planned and executed by al-Qaeda, and several of those attacks using deadly chlorine gas. That's right people: Iraq and al-Qaeda, working together with weapons of mass destruction... finally Iraq has become the country we thought it was when we invaded." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great. The one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn't bring it." --Jay Leno

"The price of oil fell $1.26 a barrel. It went down. In fact, that's why Cheney is in the Mideast ... to find out what went wrong." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is on his tour of the Middle East. Over there, he's very popular. He's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'" --David Letterman

""Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart

"Last week, a devastating tornado hit the Midwest. Our hearts go out to the people of Kansas. And just as their lives were getting back to normal, Kansas was hit by an even big disaster ... the behavior of their Governor Kathleen Sebelius. On Monday, Governor Sebelius complained that help for Kansas was slowed because so much of the National Guard equipment is in Iraq. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow sympathized, saying, 'If you don't request it, you're not going to get it.' How is the White House supposed to know a town was wiped out? They're not meteorologists." --Stephen Colbert

"How much are you folks paying for gas? Get ready. ... It could be $4 a gallon this summer. It's all part of President Bush's 'No Oil Company Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

"As for the president, wherever he went with the queen, he proved one thing: she makes him very uncomfortable. You get the sense he's afraid if he does something wrong, she's going to take America back" --Jon Stewart

"Last night, President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she'd be on the throne for over 50 years, and Bush said, 'Try Metamucil.'" --Jay Leno

"The last time the Queen of England was in the United States was 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Back then, President Bush was fighting a war in Iraq" --David Letterman

"Queen Elizabeth met with President Bush over the weekend. I thought this was nice of President Bush. ... He took the time to learn a little bit of English so he could speak with her." --Jay Leno

"The Queen was welcomed with a 21-gun salute. Well, 22 if you count Cheney's gun, which went off accidentally" --Jay Leno

"How many of you saw the Republican presidential debate? There are ten Republicans who want to be president of the United States. Did you see them? I mean, they looked like guys waiting to tee off at a restricted country club. " --David Letterman

"There's a brand new book out. In it Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush. Well, sure. Who doesn't?" --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential debate was held tonight in California, and ten candidates took part. Political experts say that the ten Republican candidates represented all races, creeds, and colors of rich white men." --Conan O'Brien

"It looks like a lot of politicians' careers will be ruined when this Washington madam releases the names on her client list. President Bush's Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias has already resigned because he was a customer. He claims he just got a massage, but no sex. I think that was called 'The Married Guy Special.'" --Jay Leno

"Former gay Governor of New Jersey Jim McGreevey ... now announced he's looking into becoming an Episcopal priest. Not a lot of people happy about this ... especially the altar boys." --Jay Leno

"According to Men's Health Magazine, one out of five grown adult men still watch Saturday morning cartoons every week. To which President Bush went, 'See'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush vetoed the Iraq troop withdrawal bill. He said it would turn the country into a cauldron of chaos. And you hate to see Iraq become unstable." --David Letterman

"Today is May 2. Or, as President Bush calls it, Veto de Mayo Day." --Jay Leno

"President Bush taped a message for American Idol last night. Bush opposes the plan to pull two contestants out. He says it could cause chaos in the region and actually prefers sending more contestants in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Randall Tobias, who is the deputy secretary of state, resigned after it was revealed he used this woman's services. Tobias, who was married, just claimed he just had a massage and did not have sex. Apparently, he can forget getting either one of those at home ever again." --Jay Leno

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno

"Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart

"The Republicans have their big debate this week at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California. ... Republicans want to see how they stack up against George W. Bush. It's like a very special edition of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"The former CIA chief was on '60 Minutes' yesterday. George Tenet has a new book coming out. In this book, he criticizes the Bush administration's handling of the events leading up to the Iraq war. ... It's called 'Trying To Save My Own Ass.'" --Jay Leno

"Former CIA director George Tenet has written a tell-all book. President Bush has not read the book yet. Well, boy, there's a surprise." --David Letterman

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq. ... Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet." --Bill Maher

"The other bombshell coming out this week is former CIA director George Tenet has a new book where he says there was no serious debate within the administration about going into Iraq. It will hit the stores on Monday, under the title 'No S**t.'" --Bill Maher

"Cheney was at the commencement at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City. There was protests ... at Brigham Young. You know you have credibility problems when even the Mormons won't buy your bulls**t." --Bill Maher

"The Wall Street Journal reports that a new Harris poll shows that President Bush's approval rating is at an all-time low of just 28%. In fact, it was so bad that today Alberto Gonzales said he's thinking about resigning ... just so he doesn't have to be seen standing with him"--Jay Leno

"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno

"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in town. ... He attended a big fundraiser on Park Avenue. It's part of his program 'No Cash Left Behind'" --David Letterman

"It's so hard to follow. That is exactly why the president was so impressed. ... Legally, Gonzales had to appear before Congress, so his choice was either to expose the administration's political machinations, or appear to be a functioning pinhead. He went with pinhead. And if I may say ... nailed it" --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Alberto Gonzales' Senate testimony

"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

"The president went down to Virginia Tech to console these people. He said, 'There's no explaining why these things happen. I just wish there was someone I could bomb for you.'" --Bill Maher

"I'm not saying Alberto Gonzales is in trouble, but today Sanjaya said, 'Get rid of him.' --Jay Leno

"Today on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. ... He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore ... he deleted everything." --Jay Leno

"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart

"Scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. First, Newt got worried when he heard the IRS said they were cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized it was guys who cheated on their taxes, not their wives." --Jay Leno

"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush says she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books, she fears it might collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell which side of the bed is hers" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. ... So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that this administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing" --Jon Stewart

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush picked [Iraq war architect Paul] Wolfowitz to head the World Bank in 2005. His mission? Use its mighty financial resources to raise the living standards of people around the world. His first beneficiary? Well, his girlfriend. Last week it was disclosed that Wolfowitz had used his influence to get a promotion and a raise for his long-time paramour, World Bank employee Shaha Ali Riza -- considered to be a foremost expert on the Middle East. Which means, you know what they say, opposites attract." --Jon Stewart

"The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators -- e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent." --Jay Leno

"Scary moment earlier today for Vice President Dick Cheney's plane. ... It hit a bird over O'Hare airport. A bird got sucked into the engine. Or, as Cheney calls it, a hunting accident. I think it's the first bird he ever hit" --Jay Leno

"Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president, but in his official filing, he misspelled the word 'president.' Political experts say it's all part of Hunter's plan to attract Bush supporters." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is second in line to be president. And with Cheney ahead of her, that line could move pretty quickly." --Jay Leno

"What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam? George W Bush had an exit strategy for Vietnam." -- Simon Hoggart

"Rudy Giuliani ... now leads Senator McCain in the latest polls by 22 points. 22. Or, as Giuliani himself might phrase it, 'Twice the number of points as the day of the month on which the World Trade Center was attacked while I was mayor. Did I mention I was mayor ... when the world was attacked ... on 9/11?'" --Jon Stewart

"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno

"All of the major Democratic presidential candidates have now pulled out of a presidential debate sponsored by Fox News, because they feel Fox News is biased. Today, Fox denied the claim and said, 'Well, Republicans are going to win anyway.'" --Jay Leno

"The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called 'the president of the United States.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called himself a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years of President Jethro?" --Jay Leno

"The White House had its annual Easter Egg Roll and there were several cartoon characters there, including Clifford the Big Red Dog, Bugs Bunny, and Charlie Brown. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'Finally, a summit meeting I enjoyed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm." --Jay Leno

"The Republicans issued a statement today demanding that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi get back to work. President Bush would have made the statement himself, but he's still on vacation." -Jay Leno

"Down in Washington, D.C., is the big annual Easter egg hunt they have on the White House lawn. No surprise here -- the $187 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton. The kids are all running around hunting for the Easter eggs. And periodically, they'll pick up some of Cheney's shell casings. The kids did a tremendous job. The kids found hundreds and hundreds of eggs. And I'm thinking, 'Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden'." -David Letterman

"It makes you realize what a helacious s**thole Indiana must be." -- Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana

"The annual Easter egg hunt at the White House is going to be a little different this year. Instead of eggs they're going to be hiding Alberto Gonzales' emails." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Romney ... was saying he is a 'lifelong hunter.' Turns out he's hunted exactly twice ... in his whole life. Dick Cheney has hunted lawyers more times!" --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno

"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno

"Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he's raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he's raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's raised two children." --Conan O'Brien

"During a press conference today, President Bush was asked if he knew the current price of a gallon of gasoline. And Bush's answer was within a few pennies. He did well, which isn't surprising, because Bush spends most of the day watching the 'Price is Right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Police in Connecticut arrested a man for speeding who identified himself as Vice President Dick Cheney. They took the guy to the hospital. Obviously, this guy has mental problems. I mean, these days, what sane person would try to pass themselves off as Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is running for president. ... She's set a fundraising record; she's already raised $26 million. That's a lot of money. To put that in perspective, that is more money than President Bush lost in all the years he was a businessman." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, President Bush is worried too. He thinks this could hurt his guest attorney general worker program." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno

"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert

"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. ... We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien

"Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today that the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song that they both haven't used before." --Jay Leno

"I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years." --Jay Leno, on the U.S. attorney firing scandal

"Indicted Republican congressman Tom DeLay, who was forced to resign last year, says in his new book that he used to cheat on his wife all the time and get drunk. He said that 20 years ago he was a self-centered a 'self-centered jerk.' That's all changed now. Now he's just a disgraced politician. Huge improvement." -Jay Leno

"After Congress subpoenaed presidential adviser Karl Rove, President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, 'I'm all for him talking as long as he doesn't have to tell the truth.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital because of discomfort in one of his legs. Apparently, he hurt it while jumping for joy when he saw how high gas prices were." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the 'Today' show, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't care what Rush Limbaugh says because Rush Limbaugh is irrelevant. Arnold started pronouncing 'irrelevant' during the 'Today' show, and finished pronouncing it during the 'Nightly News.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics." --Jay Leno

"Today is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'See, and people said it would never last.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher

"The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers ... and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. ... Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-E-Sketch." --Bill Maher

"The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno

"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler

"Is America ready for a black president? Why not, we just had a retarded one! -- Chris Rock

"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno

"The head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, now says he regrets what he said about gays in the military. He's now blaming it on his two head speechwriters Tim Hardaway and Isaiah Washington." --Jay Leno

"The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People are really angry about ... a web site that encourages people to vote for the worst singer. I mean, this is not a joke. We're voting for the next 'American Idol' here. This is not some kind of game. ... I know it was funny when we reelected President Bush, but this is serious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The administration is still taking a lot of heat for firing eight U.S. attorneys. That shows you how unpopular this administration is -- when the people are siding with the lawyers." --Jay Leno

"People in Washington are now calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. To give you an idea of how much trouble he is in, the White House is now thinking of replacing him with Scooter Libby." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is safely back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened up his eyes. He said, 'We thought we had a lot of illegal immigrants here, they're all over the place down there.'" --Jay Leno

"March Madness NCAA Basketball. ... Here's how it works: You start with 65, then that goes down to 64, then it's 32, and then it's 16 ... no, that's presidential candidates." --David Letterman

"If you want to get rid of an attorney, you don't use Gonzales, you bring in Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"While in Latin America, Bush visited the ancient Mayan ruins. He then invited their officials to come visit our ruins -- the Walter Reed Medical Center." --Jay Leno

"Outrage today from many Americans, especially the gay ones, over comments made by General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He said he believes homosexuality is immoral. The general went on to say that allowing immorality in the armed forces could distract our troops from killing." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

"You see all those people protesting while President Bush was in South America? Bush hasn't heard that many people shouting 'Gringo go home' since his last trip to L.A." --Jay Leno

"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno

"Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel -- he's a Republican -- called a press conference to announce he'll be making a decision about running for president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference to say maybe later in the year he's going to say something important. This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs." --Jay Leno

"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

"Beautiful, beautiful day in New York City. ... It was so nice that Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park." --David Letterman

"After visiting Guatemala, Bush flew to Mexico. There was an awkward moment when Bush greeted the Mexicans by saying, 'Hello future Californians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea of how popular Bush is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony ... to get rid of the bad spirits. ... And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher

"Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart

"The Taliban tried to blow up Dick Cheney. ... He was never in danger -- at the time of the attack, he was safely asleep in his coffin. ... I just hope that this attempt on his life doesn't turn him bitter, vicious, and paranoid." --Bill Maher

"In other slave-owning news this week ... one of Al Sharpton's ancestors was owned by one of Strom Thurmond's ancestors. But they sold him because his medallion kept getting caught in the cotton gin." --Bill Maher

"You heard about the big John McCain gaffe. He was on the David Letterman show announcing his presidential campaign, and he pulled a Joe Biden. ... He used the word 'wasted' to describe the lives lost in Iraq. Next day, he said he should have used the word 'sacrifice'. But to put it into perspective, when McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, George Bush was wasted. Sorry, I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells." --Bill Maher

We have received word that many hundreds of American troops are being held in deplorable, squalid conditions. What kind of people would treat our soldiers in this horrible manner? Funny story…turns out it's us. -- Jon Stewart VIDEO

"Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman

"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, it dropped 416 points yesterday. But enough about President Bush's approval rating." --Jay Leno, on the Dow

"Vice President Dick Cheney is safely back in Washington after an attempt was made on his life in Afghanistan. The Taliban denied they were trying to kill the vice president. They now claim it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno

"Last night on Fox, huge premiere of its new show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.' Or, as President Bush calls it, 'Jeopardy'" --Jay Leno

"For those of you in Washington, you may have noticed a subtle difference this week in DC: the air -- a little crisper; food -- a little more tasty; homeless people -- weren't being discovered drained of blood. It could only mean one thing: Vice President Dick Cheney was out of town." --Jon Stewart

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. ... At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. ... The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. ... Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Len

"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

It is Oscar weekend. ... Among Best Picture nominees is 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, 'the feel-good comedy of the year.' --Bill Maher

"You all ready for the Oscars? ... Al Gore is expected to win for his documentary on global warming. I hope he ... includes President Bush in the acceptance speech. I mean, without President Bush, we probably wouldn't have a lot of this global warming." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore said today that by the year 2015, it will be so hot that the relationship between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama might actually start to thaw." --Jay Leno

"Everybody but George Bush seems to understand that this war is over. The British are pulling out now. ... They're all going. Lithuania said this week they are 'seriously considering reducing their force of 53 troops.' It's a small force, but very effective. So far, they've killed a dozen insurgents and three vampires." --Bill Maher

"Condoleezza Rice insists the coalition is still intact. But you know Condi -- Bush could walk into the Oval Office naked and she'd say, 'Nice tie.'" --Bill Maher

"Here is a little difference between our country and Great Britain: Prince Harry -- third in line to the Royal Throne -- he's going to Iraq. He's going to be in a tank unit. ... On the other hand, the Bush twins are getting tanked ... and they are going to re-invade Margaritaville." --Bill Maher

"Britney Spears is back in rehab. Two weeks ago, I didn't think it was possible to lose a custody battle with Kevin Federline. But five years ago, I didn't think it would be possible to lose a war with the Sunnis." --Bill Maher

"Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapon defenses. So, rest easy America. In case of an attack, we've got three large balloons." --Seth Meyers

"The British are leaving! The British are leaving! This week, after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced England would withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq, Denmark announced that they are withdrawing their troop. Welcome home, Torsten." --Amy Poehler

"Denmark and Lithuania have also announced that they're pulling their troops from Iraq. Actually, it's just one guy who's half Danish and half Lithuanian. " --Conan O'Brien

"The British announced they are pulling their troops out of Iraq. Dick Cheney immediately called it good news. He said it is a sign we are winning." --Jay Leno

"Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno

"Today in Japan, the vice president made a visit to the USS Kitty Hawk. As the vice president boarded the ship, he was given with a 19-gun salute. And then two Navy sailors were injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was in Japan. He stepped off the airplane in Tokyo and flashed that winning sneer. ... Right now he's in Australia. And just for fun, he shot a koala bear." --David Letterman

"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien

"Bad news for President Bush. He wants us to stay the course, but even our closest ally is saying no. Prime Minister Tony Blair announced the withdrawal of 1,500 British troops and says that more than half of their troops could be pulled by this summer. Coincidentally, the announcement comes the day after Prince Harry volunteered to go fight over in Iraq. Maybe that's the way to get our troops out -- we send Billy Bush to Iraq." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The British are pulling out. Slovakia is now pulling out. Canada already pulled out. So has Italy, Spain, Portugal, Japan, the Netherlands, Bulgaria, Nicaragua, Honduras, the Dominican Republic, Norway, Thailand and Singapore. Basically, it is just us and the Jamaicans now. And that's mostly because they just don't know where they are." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I know you're saying to yourselves where is Vice President Dick Cheney. Right now he's in Tokyo ... taking part in a pep rally for United States troops. Because when you think Dick Cheney, you think pep." --David Letterman

"In 2036, an asteroid is going to hit Earth. ... Talk about pressures for President Bush. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is 'Where is Superman?'" --David Letterman

"Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way -- by ignoring the other two branches of government." --Jay Leno

"Ricky Martin -- you know, he's a big Bush supporter and performed at George Bush's first inauguration -- is condemning President Bush and the Iraq war now at his concerts. Ricky Martin wants us out of Iraq now. Of course the Bush administration has not commented. They're still waiting to hear from Marc Anthony." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it." --Conan O'Brien

"We have another presidential candidate. Mitt Romney is running on the Republican ticket. If you're anything like me, you don't know Mitt Romney from Roma Downey. ... I really like his campaign slogan. Have you seen it? 'Mitt Happens'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"When Al Gore presented the 'Best Album' award to the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Grammys, Al Gore said because of global warming, the Chili Peppers are now 20% hotter than they were 20 years ago." --Jay Leno

"The number one movie at the box office is Eddie Murphy's 'Norbit', where Eddie Murphy plays a huge fat woman. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, 'Dreamgirls.'" --Jay Leno

"You all watch the Grammys last night? The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results. It only works once." --Jay Leno

"If Ralph Nader runs for president in 2008, it will make history. He will be the first person to ever run for president four times in the same suit." --Jay Leno

"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"After three weeks of therapy and counseling, Reverend Ted Haggard announced he's now completely heterosexual. To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair." --Jay Leno

"When she was arrested, she was carrying a wig, a steel mallet, some duct tape, and a knife. Or as OJ calls it, an overnight bag." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama now trying to quit smoking. ... He's now chewing nicotine gum. Today on the news, they showed him chewing the gum while walking. To which President Bush said, 'Show off.'" --Jay Leno

"Ralph Nader said this week he is leaving the door open for running for president in 2008. He's still got the wrinkled suit ready to go." --Jay Leno

"Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has announced he's forming a presidential exploratory committee. The committee won't be paid for their work, but they will get some sweet high-paying jobs in the Tancredo administration." --Conan O'Brien

"A guy was kicked off a flight for wearing an anti-Bush t-shirt. ... When he refused to take off the shirt or change the shirt, they kicked him off the plane. Here's the scary thing: it turns out he was the pilot for Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"Democrats now have a woman, an African-American and a Hispanic running for president. Of course, the other sides has minorities running also. They're called Republicans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spent the weekend working on tomorrow night's State of The Union apology. I mean, address." --Jay Leno

"The president's daughter, Jenna Bush, is reportedly trying to get a book deal to write about her life in the White House. President Bush is very upset about it -- not about what she'll write, he's just worried he'll have to read another book" --Jay Leno

"Bush State of the Union VI. As it does every year, this State of the Union matches up two bitter rivals: the president of the United States and words. Right now, as we speak, words holds a three to two advantage." --Jon Stewart

"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler

"In an interview with 'Fox News Sunday,' Vice President Dick Cheney commented on Congress' efforts to stop additional troops from being sent to Iraq, saying, 'You cannot run a war by committee. You run a war by a monkey, a map, and some darts.'" --Seth Meyers

"Muslim American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama '24.' A spokesman for Fox said, 'If Muslims are upset about that, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the Scooter Libby trial, the defense is looking for people for the jury who trust Dick Cheney. Unfortunately, most of the people who trust Dick Cheney have also been indicted." --Jay Leno

"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is expected for the first time next week in the State of the Union address to talk about global warming. He doesn't want to, but it's either that or talk about Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff is on trial for perjury and his lawyer says he's only going to accept jurors who have a favorable opinion of Dick Cheney. Experts predict that the jury will consist of eleven vampires and a werewolf." --Conan O'Brien

"Democrats have announced that their 2008 presidential convention will be held in Denver. You know, it's interesting that the Republicans haven't made a big deal about where their 2008 convention will be. They are keeping it very low key because they are afraid President Bush will know where it is and will show up." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush watched the hanging of Saddam Hussein. He said he was not pleased with how the Iraqis executed Saddam Hussein. ... The Iraqis fired back, 'Yeah? We're not pleased with the way you executed the war.'" --David Letterman

"Did you folks see the Golden Globes last night? ... You know who won? That Borat guy. He got up to say a few words. He was the whacky foreigner with the accent saying unintelligible things. No, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger." --David Letterman

"The president's advisers launched a PR offensive to assure the public that just because our new way forward meant returning troops levels to where they were in December of 2005, this plan had a twist [on screen: NSA Stephen Hadley saying the strategy 'will succeed rather than fail']. Hmmm. Succeed rather than fail? Sounds counterintuitive. ... Okay, I'll indulge you. You have a plan. Well, have you thought about looking at that plan in the most emotionally loaded way possible? [on screen: WH press sec. Tony Snow saying, 'I'll ask a simple question. If the U.S. withdraws, does it make Osama bin Laden happy or sad?']. And if bin Laden was happy, would he know it? And if bin Laden knew it, would he clap his hands? Would his face surely show it? These are the questions we would have asked bin Laden ... if we had caught him." --Jon Stewart

This time, Bush has an exit strategy for the Iraqi war. In January of 2009, he will escape to Crawford, Texas." --David Letterman

"Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's thinking about running for president and is now forming an exploratory committee. So far, the only member of the committee is someone named Tom Tancredo." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran." --David Letterman

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"Bush is going to send more troops to Iraq. That's the solution. And I was thinking, you think he'd being doing this if he were still in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books." --David Letterman

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy attacked the president. He said Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam. Which is very unfair. There is a huge difference. Bush knew how to get out of Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now calling for sending 21,000 more troops to Iraq. How does he come up with that number? I don't even think 21,000 people in the country think it's a good idea." --Jay Leno

"In a prime time speech last night, President Bush said that he was sending in 20,000 more troops to end the war. He wasn't talking about Iraq. He was talking about the war between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq. And President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"President Bush announced he's creating 20,000 new jobs. They're all in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The president addressed the nation tonight. Good news -- he's got a plan! He developed his plan after playing hours and hours of Stratego with Barney the White House dog." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This was a big deal for the president. For the first time maybe ever, he admitted that he made mistakes. The first one being, he had no idea Iraq was in the Middle East. If he had, he never would have started anything over there. I mean, those people are insane." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes we can stop the fighting. Stop the fighting in Iraq? We can't even stop the fighting between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. submarine Newport News collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the Straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, the president called immediately to make sure the oil was okay." --Jay Leno

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." --Jay Leno

"President Bush addressed the nation with his new Iraq plan in a live speech broadcast from the White House library. Or as President Bush calls it, 'My books-on-tape room.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Huge fires in Malibu. ... They are calling this the worst disaster to hit Malibu since, I guess, Bush won re-election." --Jay Leno

"President Bush called Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega to congratulate him on his election. The phone call got off to an awkward start when Bush told Ortega that he loves his taco shells." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush will address the nation tomorrow night and his speech is going to pre-empt the television show 'Deal or No Deal.' To appease fans of the show, the president will hide his Iraq strategy in one of 26 suit cases." --Conan O'Brien

"But this is a serious policy discussion [on screen: Goode saying, 'I'm for restricting immigration so that we don't have a majority of Muslims elected to the United States House of Representatives']. ... It took Muslims 200 years to win one seat, so if current trends do hold, they will take the House of Representatives by the year 6520." --Jon Stewart

"We have a new person in the mail room opening mail, President Bush. The president now says the government has the right to open anyone's mail at any time without a warrant. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decided he wants to read something and it's our mail. How about those memos on your desk?" --Jay Leno

"Isn't that kind of frightening to open anyone's mail at any time? Today, in a huge coincidence, President Bush announced he is the winner of the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes." --Jay Leno

"The United States Army is lowering its standards for education and DUI arrests. It's to recruit others, but let's just say they filled the job with the commander-in-chief." --David Letterman

"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the Prime Minister of Iraq says not only will he not seek a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he'd like to pursue, like trying to stay alive." --Jay Leno

"The latest reports out of Washington say President Bush is planning to send more troops to Iraq, but the White House wants to call it a surge instead of an escalation. Well, duh. A one-syllable word versus a four-syllable word. I wonder which one President Bush would pick." --Jay Leno

"In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani's entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Televangelist and radio enthusiast Pat Robertson made a major announcement yesterday. He says that God told him terrorists will conduct a mass killing in the United States late 2007. ... I think we found our lead suspect." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today in Washington, funeral services were held for former President Gerald Ford and all the living presidents were there. That doesn't happen often. They all got together. President Carter called Ford a wonderful man. Bill Clinton called Ford a true American. And President Bush called Ford the guy who invented the automobile." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was the funeral for President Gerald Ford. He passed away at 93. A very nice man. ... Ford was the only person to become president without winning an election ... besides President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Big changes in Washington. ... Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, 'Uh oh.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush admitted we are not winning an Iraq. Sounds like Miss USA is not the only one who has sobered up. Speaking about Iraq, earlier today President Bush said we are not winning, we are not losing. Kind of what I'm doing right now." --David Letterman

"And the President of Iran suffered a very embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections. Huh? Apparently he and President Bush have m