Woodbury County Democrats

Late Night Political Humor:
The Best From Leno, Letterman, O'Brien, Mahr, Stewart

Collected by the incredible San Diego Democratic Party at www.sddemocrats.org
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Updated December 16, 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Economy not looking good. Some bad job numbers. Employers cut over 500,000 jobs. This is the worst job loss in 34 years. The only bright side, at least Bush is losing his." --Jay Leno

"And insiders say that President Bush and his wife, Laura, have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his presidency he's actually had an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he's working harder than the President. He's come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China." --David Letterman

"But the President-elect says that he still will smoke occasionally. And I remember on Election Day when he smoked John McCain, so it's true." --David Letterman

"Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit's consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price." --Conan O'Brien

"In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?" --Jay Leno

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." --Jay Leno

"Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout." --Jay Leno

"And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?" --Jay Leno

"Our President-elect, Barack Obama, was busy again today, picking his White House kickball team, or something like that. This morning, he nominated New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to be secretary of commerce, which, given the state of our economy, might be the toughest cabinet job of all. Which means, once again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job that nobody else wants to do." --Jimmy Kimmel

""Well, President Bush is opening up a little bit. He gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has less than two months left before he two-steps back to Texas for some serious brush-clearing time. But the president sat down with Charles Gibson of ABC for an interview that aired tonight. Surprisingly, he admitted to some mistakes. He said he was unprepared for how long and how difficult the Iraq war would be, and that he shouldn't have gone to war based on reports that Iraq had WMDs without first asking what WMD stood for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats." --Conan O'Brien

"That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, 'Uh, you can do that?'" --David Letterman

"A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. ... But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman

"The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I'm thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!" --David Letterman

"Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, 'Cars use oil.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno

"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno

"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno

"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno

"How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher." --David Letterman

"There is good news for friend-of-the-show and fair-weather friend of the Democratic Party Joe Lieberman. After supporting a Republican for president, today, Lieberman found out his fate. ... Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough.'" --Stephen Colbert

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

"And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'" --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?'" --David Letterman

"Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts." -Jay Leno

"American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it" --Jay Leno

"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"This is an exciting time in Washington. Barack Obama is very busy. He is meeting with his advisors and picking out a cabinet. Meanwhile, John McCain is at Applebee's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don't really have to do it. They can't do anything to you." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno

"And in his first public comment since he got caught with an underage male intern, former Congressman Mark Foley said today there's a huge difference between hitting on pre-pubescent boys and sending dirty text messages to 17-year-old young men. And as soon as he can figure out what the difference is, he'll let us know." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines." --Jay Leno

"Today is Veterans' Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber." --David Letterman

"But now we see some bitterness. We see some back biting, and Sarah Palin is saying that the reason they lost the election is the media. The media is to blame for losing. It's the media. Well, yeah, because it's their fault that she entered beauty contests instead of a library." --David Letterman

"But yesterday was a big day, because George Bush graciously invited President-elect Barack Obama. So you had there in the White House, the president-elect and the president-inept. It was a nice gathering." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was thrilled, I mean, thrilled, because even as a United States senator, he had never really been to the White House, so he was thrilled to be there. He thought, for a minute, he was getting a 21-gun salute. Whoa! It turned out it was just Cheney fooling around." --David Letterman

"The only awkward moment was when Bush complimented Obama on his campaign. He said, 'You did a heck of a job, Brownie.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, Joe Biden still hasn't met with Dick Cheney. I don't get it. Why wouldn't Biden have the common courtesy to go to a secret location and meet a guy who is known for shooting old men in the face?" --Stephen Colbert

"And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together." --David Letterman

"There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said oh, you mean we caught him?" --David Letterman

"Meanwhile, John McCain, don't forget about John McCain. While all of this was going on, John McCain was waiting for his name to be called at IHOP." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters' school the other day. And a very positive meeting. The teacher said, both the girls already reading at a President Bush level." --Jay Leno

"Everybody seems to be ganging up on Sarah Palin lately. Have you noticed that? Oh, boy. Now, when she goes hunting, the moose return fire. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. That's what it says. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." --Jay Leno

"This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you saw this on TV this weekend. Commentator Joe Scarborough said the 'F' word on MSNBC. Of course, at MSNBC, the 'F' word is Fox News." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?" --Conan O'Brien

"Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'" -Bill Maher

"Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'" -Bill Maher

"Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence." -Bill Maher

"We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides." --Bill Maher

"This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn't that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it's going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what's it gonna be? 'Don't change, everything's fine, don't change anything, keep it exactly the same!'" --Jay Leno

"The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right?" --Jay Leno

"A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, 'I didn't know either. I thought it was a vowel.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about, that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin's hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn't happen to." --Jay Leno

"It was revealed that Dick Cheney, we haven't seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants." --Jay Leno

"I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late." --David Letterman

"By the way, don't worry about Sarah Palin, she's already back to selling Mary Kay products, so she's going to to be fine." --David Letterman

"And this is sad, you hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist." --David Letterman

"Obama held his first news conference today as president-elect. Some veteran White House reporters were actually a little bit confused, because he didn't make up any words and almost everything he said made sense." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, at his first press conference as President-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah, in other words, we're totally screwed." --Conan O'Brien

"Sports Illustrated says Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. Isn't that cool? Yeah, yeah. And in order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip 'n Slide. " --Conan O'Brien

"In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'" --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno

"Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay." --Jay Leno

"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien

"Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?" --David Letterman

"At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call." --David Letterman

"But right about now Joe the plumber is meeting with his transition team. They're going to help ease him from obscurity back to oblivion." --David Letterman

"How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now." --David Letterman

"Did you see the concession speech last night? John McCain was generous. He was gracious. He was statesman-like. And I was thinking well, he should have tried that earlier." --David Letterman

"People all over the world are celebrating Barack Obama’s victory. In fact, Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house." --David Letterman

"And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC." --Jay Leno

"And people were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect." --Jay Leno

"After congratulating President-elect Obama, President Bush called John McCain to commend him on his well-fought campaign. President Bush also phoned Sarah Palin and she said, 'Oh yeah, I'm sure this is the real Bush, I'm not falling for that again.'" --Jay Leno

"When one door closes, another opens up. That's how the world works. And did you see that hologram thing they were using on CNN? That was pretty neat. They use a 3-D hologram image of a person projected right in studio. Made it look like the person that was really there in person. Same technology they use to make Larry King look like he's still alive." --Jay Leno

"You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'" --Jay Leno

"And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.'" --Jay Leno

"Schwarzenegger was asking people to get out and vote. I think that's what he said. Either that or he was asking 'the public to get more boats.'" --Jay Leno

"And in what has to be one of the most ridiculous moments yesterday, it looks like convicted Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has won re-election. How does that make the guy who lost feel, huh? What's that concession speech like? 'We gave it our best, but the voters are preferred a convicted, 84-year-old felon who's going to prison.'" --Jay Leno

"All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama won the state of Florida, which means that it went from a red state to a blue state. That’s huge, yeah. It’s historic, because it’s the first time something turned blue in Florida and they didn’t have to call a medic." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush called Sen. Obama last night to congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about Bush." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The real challenge, though, is for Joe Biden because he's got to figure out how to get Dick Cheney out of the vice presidential mansion. As you know, Dick Cheney is armed and has a history of shooting old men." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama won the popular vote by a 52 percent to 46 percent. And electoral vote 360 to 173, so basically a six percent popular vote victory translates into a two-to-one Electoral College drubbing, proving once again the Electoral College makes perfect sense." --Jon Stewart

"I watched Obama’s victory speech in Grant Park. I actually loved watching the shots of the crowd, which looked like a Benetton ad — different races, different ages, all different kinds of people. I thought it was fantastic. Meanwhile, over at McCain’s speech, there were all different kinds of white people. They had tons of them -- yuppies, golfers, Osmonds." --Craig Ferguson

"The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they’ve still got three months of George Bush." --Craig Ferguson

"Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who's running the country. Just like it's been for the last eight years." -- Jay Leno

"According to all the studies, somewhere between 8% and 14% of voters are still undecided. Who are these morons? You know? This has been going on for what, four years. You don't know. What, do you need another year to figure this out? Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions? I'm going to wait." --Jay Leno

"On the east coast, the polls open in seven hours. Very long lines are expected. If you're not already lined up, it is too late. You have to wait until 2012. That's true. But I'll tell you something, I don't think the lines are going to matter. This is a country that waits 18 hours on line for an iPhone. We'll sit for three days in the rain to get Halo 2. We'll camp out on the sidewalk for a week to get the first ticket to see a 'Star Wars' movie that we know is going to be crap. ... If we can wait in line to see the Jonas brothers, then by God, I say we can wait in line to elect the next president of the United States." --Jimmy Kimmel

"At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the plumber, he did say he'd be there sometime between noon and 6:00 p.m." --Seth Meyers

"I think this says it all about the difference between the two parties. McCain is campaigning with Joe the plumber, Obama is down in Florida campaigning with Al Gore. One guy won the Nobel Prize in climate science. The other guy can get a fork out of a garbage disposal." --Bill Maher

"In a speech yesterday, Joe the plumber said that John McCain is a real American. And who better to say who is a real American than a fake plumber?" --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama's campaign accused John McCain of looking in the rear-view mirror, which would make McCain the only guy over 70 who actually does that. Think about it." --Jay Leno

"Daylight savings time, change your clocks back. ... If there's one thing we need, it's another hour of 2008. President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929." --David Letterman

"Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. Ted Stevens is a legendary figure up in Alaska. The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They'll have to rename it "Prisoner No. 4983 Airport." -Craig Ferguson

"It was reported today that 33 million people saw Barack Obama's infomercial. 33 million people. Very successful, yeah. As a result, John McCain's thinking of making one, but his is for the Craftmatic adjustable bed." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, I watched 'American Idol' last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than 'Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, John McCain campaigned in the Ohio town of Defiance. Next comes Anger, then, finally, Acceptance." --Jay Leno

"And a lot of juicy gossip on the campaign trail. Insiders of the McCain campaign say that Sarah Palin has gone rogue. Republicans are complaining that she's not listening to their advice, she's not taking their notes and she's going off on her own and saying whatever she wants. And then when the campaign was asked what they like best about her, 'She's a maverick!'" --Jay Leno

"And Republicans now say that the $150,000 worth of clothes they bought for Sarah Palin will probably go to a charity. Charity, is that a good idea? Isn't that kind of counterproductive? I mean, you're going to give a homeless woman your spare change when she's wearing a Dolce & Gabbana jacket and Jimmy Choo shoes, you know?" --Jay Leno

"It’s a little cold and windy outside, isn’t it today? It’s so cold today that Sarah Palin was putting ChapStick on a pit bull." --David Letterman

"John McCain was on Larry King’s show last night, and it got kind of awkward when Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex-wives were for Obama." --David Letterman

"But on that show, Larry King and John McCain looked like two guys who would be fighting over Cloris Leachman." --David Letterman

"And have you seen Sarah Palin and John McCain. I mean if you look at them, it’s kind of interesting. He looks like the elderly husband who would have her followed by a private detective. A little bit, don’t you think?" --David Letterman

"I've noticed a number of athletes are now endorsing candidates in this presidential election. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, and John McCain's been endorsed by Ty Cobb and Jim Thorpe." --Conan O'Brien

"Joe the plumber was supposed to appear at a John McCain rally today, but didn't show up. Yeah. So, apparently, the guy really is a plumber." --Conan O'Brien

Listen to this, they now say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Yeah, and staffers suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'" --David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain and Sarah Palin together? It's fun to see them. They remind me of a couple of cruise ship grifters. McCain looks like the old guy taking his secretary to Las Vegas, doesn't he a little bit?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, in Washington, I don't know if you heard about this, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. True story, yeah. Yeah, the Secret Service told the man, 'Get back here, Mr. President. You have two more months.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what's going on in the McCain campaign right now." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That's a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up." --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time." --Jay Leno

"The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He's an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn't of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy." --Jay Leno

"Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now." --Jay Leno

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose." --David Letterman

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" --Conan O'Brien

John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View,' she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She's a big supporter. Elizabeth's speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri." --Jay Leno

"The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno

"Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting, isn't she, Sarah Palin? She spent yesterday campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View.' John McCain spent yesterday looking for his slippers." --David Letterman

"They say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman

"Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien

"Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert

The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits. --David Letterman

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling." --Craig Ferguson

"The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool, but I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?" --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?" --Craig Ferguson

"Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's a lot of money. Especially considering all the animals. Isn't she making pelts out of them? Shouldn't she be making her own clothing?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher,' ‘Bob the Builder,’ ‘Dora the Explorer,’ and ‘Thomas the Tank Engine.’ A key demographic. The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President" --Stephen Colbert

"I know how they're doing it. The hot one(Palin] finds an elderly victim (McCain]. Then she seduces him with her unfancy-talk and once he pulls out the checkbook, boom! Here come the relatives. The old fart never had a chance!" --Jon Stewart

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel


"And then today we found out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'" --Bill Maher

"The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm not saying that McCain looks like he's finished, but today they introduced him as the next Viagra spokesman." --Bill Maher

"I tell you, he did not help himself in the debate on Wednesday night, did you see this? Especially with women when he implied that women who get abortions when their life is in danger, are faking it. Did you see that? He literally made air quotes around the phrase 'health of the mother.' Which struck a lot of people as something an 'asshole' would do. Nice 'campaign' you're running there, Mr. 'Maverick.'" --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is going on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow. She said she's a little nervous, she's never acted before. And they told her, please, you'll be fine. It's a lot like lying." --Bill Maher

"Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you're insulted. She said, 'We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.' And if that's not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn't even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she's going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don't: a lot of voters." --Bill Maher

"Senator John McCain was on the program last night. And I don't know about this. He kept referring to me as 'That One.'" --David Letterman

"In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated." --Conan O'Brien

"Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That's the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They say Sarah Palin's going to appear on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She's been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That's a good idea. Just what she needs -- to read less." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'" -Jay Leno

""And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money" --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?" --Jay Leno

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"But here, I mean, they're going right down to the wire here. You've got Barack Obama and you've got John McCain. And oh, my God, what a soap opera, what a soap opera this has become. I mean, it's the 'Old and the Restless.'" --David Letterman

"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman

"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman

"I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Cloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman

"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno

"And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting. It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand that in this country." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno

"This is an interesting. Scholastic, the company [that] used to sell books when we were in school. They polled 250,000 American school kids and that they asked who they liked for president. Overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well behind Batman, the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer. So, you know, a poll like this may seem to be trivial, but believe it or not, this is true, it has correctly predicted who is the president will be every election year since 1960." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Russia apparently has test-fired long-range ballistic missiles. At least that's what Sarah Palin says she saw from her house." --David Letterman

"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman

"Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter, is back in the news. He gave an interview in which he says that at first, he was nervous attending the Republican convention with the Palins, but then he was like, 'Whatever.' Yeah, he also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin's speeches." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of politics, a group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they've been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including a form for Mickey Mouse. Yeah, President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican." --Conan O'Brien

"This week on the campaign trail, John McCain made some news. He talked about his next debate with Barack Obama, and he said, “I'm going to whip his you-know-what.' Then, McCain vowed to 'hit Obama in the whatchamacallit' and 'kick him in the thingamajig.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno

"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno

"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno

"This economy is crazy. Are you with me on that one? This is what I saw today. I saw a Lehman Brothers executive walking around town wearing a sign that read, will work for a seven-figure bonus." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, you know, George Bush is still our president for a couple of more months. And yesterday down in Washington in the White House he met with the Italian prime minister Berlusconi. Bush kept calling him Boyardee. It was awful. Here's what happened. Russia apparently has test-fired some long range ballistic missiles. Yep. Uh oh is exactly right. At least, that's what Sarah Palin said she saw from her house." --Jay Leno

"California is not an easy state to be Governor of, but here's how I see it, everyplace has something you have to worry about - Louisiana has hurricanes, Texas has tornadoes, here we have earthquakes, wildfires and Heather Locklear behind the wheel. You make do." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But this was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who thinks he's the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. You better tie up those trash bags or we're gonna get racoons." --David Letterman

"Tonight's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? 'I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone.'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in. Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno

"In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto." --Conan O'Brien

"By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." --David Letterman

"John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here." --David Letterman

"And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!" --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad." --Jay Leno

"During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She'd kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it'd be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke." --Jay Leno

She kept saying that she represents Joe Sixpack. You know what, sweetheart? If you get elected, Joe is going to need a lot more than a six pack. He's going to be Joe Prescription Drug Pack." --Bill Maher

"But, of course, what she's really not having an effect on is the presidential race. Even though she did well in the debate last night, McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is 'McCain: The White Obama.'" --Bill Maher

"They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, the most controversial thing Sarah Palin said last night was she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"And everybody's been asking me, they said, 'Dave, did you see the debate last night?' And my answer, of course, is, 'Ohh, you betcha!'" --David Letterman

"And I don't know if you saw this, but Sarah Palin, the governor's family, was sitting in the front row, and halfway through the debate, her future son-in-law made a run for it." --David Letterman

"During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman

"She kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That's because her answers make more sense after six beers." --David Letterman

"This is the first time an Alaskan has ever been on a national ticket, and it also might be the last, depending on how it goes. So across the state of Alaska, all eyes were on the debate. Pipeline workers set aside their wrenches, trappers dropped their beaver pelts, whalers put down their blubber knives, Eskimo families took a break from loading their grandparents onto ice floes. There has not been this much excitement in Alaska since the last time they saw the sun, quite frankly." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And do you know this bailout -- I'm sorry, the rescue -- the rescue bill has grown up to 450 pages. And President Bush's copy is even thicker, because they had to add pictures." --Jay Leno

"Actually, at the urging of my financial adviser, I'm diversifying where I put my money. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. The key is diversification. Well, I got some in the backyard, some in the crawl space, some in the mattress." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that interview with Katie Couric? Oh, man. Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspapers she reads, and she could not name a single newspaper that she reads. Which wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have a degree in journalism." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 61% of people surveyed said they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. Although 99% said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is putting his Phoenix mansion up for sale. The house has 13 bedrooms, 10 fire places and a Carrows restaurant." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching Sarah Palin's interviews with Katie Couric? Last night, Palin told Katie Couric right here on the 'CBS Evening News' that she can't name a Supreme Court ruling that she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord. But Sarah Palin did say she objected to several Paula Abdul rulings on 'American Idol.'" --David Letterman

"But say what you will. I got to give Sarah Palin a lot of credit. I thought she did pretty well in the debate. After all, she was in over her hair." --David Letterman

"Well, some people think Sarah Palin took a swipe at Joe Biden's age when she said that she had been listening to Biden's speeches since the second grade. Which is kind of ironic, because Biden has been listening to McCain's speeches since he was in the second grade." --Jay Leno

"See, you've got to admit, Sarah Palin does look great when they walk out, but that's causing a problem for McCain now. In fact, now they call the ticket 'Beauty and the Deceased.'" --Jay Leno

"Political activists are now saying, if Sarah Palin does not do well tomorrow in the debate, she will voluntarily step down from the ticket by Friday. So far, there have been over 2 million emails and phone calls, urging her to stay. All from Tina Fey." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this evening, there was a big Hollywood fund-raiser for John McCain. I don't want to say there weren't a lot of celebrities there, but it was billed of the night of one star. Yeah, I think that was it. I think it was Chuck Norris." --Jay Leno

"Have you been watching the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric on the 'CBS Evening News'? Pretty interesting. Sarah Palin could not remember the name of a newspaper or a magazine that she reads. And I was thinking, wow, we could possibly have a leader of the country who doesn't read. And then I thought, well, hell it's worked pretty good for George Bush." --David Letterman

"I don't know if Palin is ready. You know you're in trouble, debating like this, you know you're in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle did." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin right now is training for tomorrow night's vice presidential debate in Arizona. And she says it has really helped her on foreign policy, because from Arizona she can see Mexico." --David Letterman

"It's been reported that John McCain is taking an herbal supplement to improve his memory. Apparently, McCain is having trouble remembering why he picked Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien
"Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the big bailout plan that was supposed to save everything failed yesterday. Political experts say if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. Yeah. For instance, Congress is going to have to remove the section of the plan that says, 'Sweet Jesus, please let this work.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?" --Jay Leno

"Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'" --Jay Leno

"One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts: he bailed out on me." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin actually watched the debates very closely. Actually she watched with one eye the debate and the other eye across on Russia, because you never know." --Jay Leno

"Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right know, you know, she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it." --Jay Leno

"I'll give you an idea of how bad the economy is, I wrote a five-dollar check over the weekend, the check was good, the bank bounced. I'll give you an idea how bad the dollar is, I went to buy gold, they said, 'oh, we can only buy it with gold.' That's how bad it is. In fact, the guy in the Rolls-Royce with the Grey Poupon had to switch to French's mustard." --Jay Leno

"Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the first presidential debate was held on Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own. Others say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder." --Conan O'Brien

"Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama." --Bill Maher

"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher

"President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday, and he said, this is the quote, 'if the money isn't loosened up, this sucker could go down.' So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien

"Now the political season is affecting Halloween. It's even affecting Halloween in this country. Just read this, one of the most popular Halloween masks this year is the Sarah Palin mask. Yeah, remember this, kids. If you dress up as Sarah Palin, you're not allowed to talk to anyone who is dressed up as a reporter. Stay clear of them." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. Mint announced this week they are redesigning the penny. Have you seen it? It looks exactly like the old dollar."

"But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" --Jay Leno

"Tonight was the big debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. They billed it had as the crowd pleaser versus the old geezer. Kind of a tough one to do." --Jay Leno

"The three presidential debates, I was not aware of this, will be held in three different states. Mississippi, New York and Tennessee. And fortunately, John McCain has a home in each one. So that's good." --David Letterman

"The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week, Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not, marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one" --Seth Meyers

"That's how it works. Yeah, McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that's a different deal." --David Letterman

"But you know, John McCain and Sarah Palin were in town all week over at the U.N., and he was introducing her to all of the world leaders. It was like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"As you know, President Bush addressed the nation last night. ... How many thought they were watching an episode of 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'" --Jay Leno

"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno

"I'll tell you, to give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion." --Jay Leno

"And you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. So we'll see what happens there." --Jay Leno

"Of course, everyone still talking about Sarah Palin. A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn't care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that's not true, and says Alaska has one of each." --Conan O'Brien

"And then, after McCain canceled being on the show, he rushed right back to Washington to deal with the economic crisis, and I thought, whoa, well, he sure nipped that in the bud, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"And I was thinking about this. Well, maybe if he hadn't taken two years off to run for president, he wouldn't have to rush back to Washington now to deal with the crisis." --David Letterman

"Yup, John McCain said to me the economy 'is about to crater.' You folks worried about the economy? Whoo! Not me. Not me. I’ve got all my money in second-hand FEMA trailers." --David Letterman

"Today, John McCain made a big announcement. He said he wants to postpone Friday’s presidential debate, but not because of the economic crisis. It turns out TV Land is airing a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?" --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, 'cause she had to keep stopping to reload." --Jay Leno

"And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?" --Jay Leno

"I say if McCain can't make it to the debates, send a substitute. Send Chuck Norris in. I'd watch that." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is having a great time in New York City. Today, as a matter of fact, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"But you know what I hate during a presidential campaign? Dirty tricks. Are you like me and hate the dirty tricks? Well, some hackers hacked into Sarah Palin's email. Kind of the same thing happened to John McCain. Somebody broke in and stole his clapper." --David Letterman"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news." --David Letterman

"John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman

"By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them." --David Letterman

"Hey, anybody see Sarah Palin on the Fox News show, 'Hannity & Colmes?' You see that? Nobody watched. Here's my question. What happened to Colmes? Wasn't he supposed to be the Democrat? What, did he get shipped to Guantanamo? What happened to him? What, is it 'Hannity and No Colmes'? Is that what it's called?" –Jay Leno

"But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?'" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step." --Jay Leno

"You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?" --Jay Leno

"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, as you all know, during the interview with Charles Gibson last week on ABC, Sarah Palin did not know what the Bush doctrine was. But to be fair, a month ago, she didn't know who John McCain was either." --Jay Leno

"But John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, you know who's got to be depressed about all of this? Hillary Clinton. I mean, look at this woman. She works hard, goes to Wellesley, goes to Yale, graduates with honors, devotes her entire life to public service. Now she's starting to realize if she had just put on some makeup and shot a moose, she'd be on her way to the White House." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. The fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, 'Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?'" --Jay Leno

"Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today said she thinks the economy needs some shaking up and some fixin'. I'm pretty sure is also her recipe for oven-baked chicken." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has been revealed that Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, it wasn't just a tanning bed -- in a pinch, it also works as a moose smoker. The plan is not only to overshadow Hillary as a female candidate, but also overshadow Barack Obama as the black candidate." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, let me tell you something. If all you need to do to become vice president is be a former beauty queen with a tanning bed, then I'm casting my vote for Ryan Seacrest!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"Did you see the Sarah Palin interview on ABC? This state trooper from Alaska says that Palin lied in the interview. She lied on national television. I’d say someone's ready for the White House!" --Craig Ferguson

"Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil today. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain's plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it." --Craig Ferguson

"I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, in the Gibson interview, a lot of people thought Charlie Gibson was unfair to her, thought he was talking down to her. That was one of the comments. Like when he asked about the so-called Bush doctrine? Most people are not familiar with the Bush doctrine, right? Well, we are, we know it by it's other name, Murphy's Law." --Jay Leno

"They interviewed Sarah Palin's father, and Sarah Palin's father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck." --Conan O'Brien

"But how about that ticket, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Political insiders told me that Sarah Palin's main job, her main job on the ticket now is to tell John McCain when he's got something on his chin." --David Letterman

"Wasilla, Alaska is so small if you pick up the guide book, it's called 'Things to do in Wasilla.' If you pick up a copy of that guide book and open it up, things to do in Wasilla, it reads, you're doing it. That's it. That's all you can do." --David Letterman

"But now because they are a little worried that Sarah Palin may be a political newcomer and has not spent any time in the national spotlight, so she's being coached by Joe Lieberman. Yeah, I hope Joe Lieberman can pass along some of that excitement that he brought to the Al Gore phenomenon ticket. That's what we're looking for." --David Letterman

"That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows. Supporters of Palin say, it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job? Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great." --Jay Leno

"Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama was talking about McCain's policies. He said: 'You cannot put lipstick on a pig. If you do, it's still a pig.' This was supposed to describe McCain's policies; McCain said he was actually talking about Sarah Palin. Which is very unfair, because pigs are smart. They don't believe in creationism. And by the way, memo to all the geniuses who took it this way: it's called a metaphor." --Bill Maher

"The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style." --Amy Poehler

"When reporters asked him what keeps him going, McCain said bran." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." --Jay Leno

"Do you like Sarah Palin? I like Sarah Palin. she looks like the dip sample lady at Safeway. She looks like the nurse who weighs you and makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes. She looks like the Olive Garden hostess who says 'I'm sorry, your table's not ready yet.' She looks like the infomercial lady who said she made $60,000 a month flipping condos.She looks like the lady at the bakery who yells out '44! 45!' She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench. That's who she looks like. She looks like the lady who has a chain of cupcake stores, and she looks like the mayor of a small town that's banned dancing." --David Letterman

"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno

"Big international news. I don't know if you heard about this, sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong-Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Kim Jong-Nam, Kim Jong-Chul or Kim Jong-Woo. Yeah. Of course, there's still an out-of-the-box chance he'll pick Sarah Palin. She comes when you least expect it." --Conan O'Brien

"Thank goodness. I don't know what it's doing around the country, but here in New York City we had a wet, rainy day. Today, John McCain admitted he doesn't know how many umbrellas he owns." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. I like that guy. He looks like a guy whose cell phone has a big band ring tone." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin and John McCain? What a ticket. What do you say about that, huh? Well, they were out on the campaign trail yesterday. She went with him to Albuquerque, New Mexico. And today she took him for a haircut. A trim." --David Letterman

"I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the lady in the dental office who gives you the keys to the rest room. 'There you are. Just bring them right back.' She looks like my selection of the week on E-Harmony.com. Sarah Palin is a good-looking woman. She looks like the woman in the department store who tries to spray you with perfume. 'Just a little.'" --David Letterman

"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. That's what's happening now. All the media is digging into her past. Democrats are digging into her past. And here's the latest. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you all know, President Bush was not at the Republican convention due to a disaster: his presidency." --Jay Leno

"What do you think of McCain's slogan? 'Country First.' That's his slogan, 'Country First.' Wasn't that one of those big mortgage companies that folded about a couple months ago? ... Countrywide! Oh, that's what it was." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Governor Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek? Look, she's holding a shotgun. Holding a shotgun. This picture was taken right after she announced that guy would be marrying her pregnant daughter." --Jay Leno

" A lot of people now are criticizing Governor Palin for her lack of foreign policy experience. They say she won't be able to deal with other countries. But is that a big deal? I mean, hey, how many foreign countries even talk to us anymore? See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno

 

"They asked Sarah Palin if she would be able to explain how she once lobbied Washington for earmarks, and she said 'We'll cross that bridge to nowhere when we come to it.'" –Jay Leno

"Today, listen what happened out there in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Senator McCain was there with Sarah Palin. And they were having lunch at a diner, is what they were doing. And I thought this was so sweet. She, I mean I don't know, how long has she been on the ticket, a week, maybe two weeks? They were there having lunch at the diner and she's cutting his meat for him." –Davd Letterman

"True story. I do, I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." –David Letterman

"The MTV 'VMAs' last night were hosted by Russell Brand. He hosted their 'Video Music Awards,' and he referred to President Bush, and this caused a big controversy, as a 'retarded cowboy.' Yeah, of course, everyone knows the correct term is 'special needs cowboy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today, Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school, which was sweet. Yeah. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their Social Security checks." –Conan O'Brien

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." –Conan O'Brienr

"Oh, and she's got jokes. She had jokes. She said, 'What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.' Also, you can neuter a pit bull." -Bill Maher

"This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs." -Bill Maher

"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." -Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel

"But John McCain and his V.P. Sarah Palin, bonding, getting together, really enjoying one another. As a matter of fact, today, she took him to the mall for new Rockports." -David Letterman

"You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready." -David Letterman

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien

"No, McCain came out swinging. I haven't seen him this fired up since they came up with a new Super PoliGrip." -Jay Leno

"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno

 

"Actually, some Republicans are not that thrilled with the speech. In fact, the rumor is Sarah Palin is thinking of dropping him from the ticket." -Jay Leno

"But finally, the stirring anti-climax of ... McCain walking on the rest the Arsenio Hall Show to tell the people that the days of government waste are over. Yeah, like the wasteful, jackass mayor of an Alaskan town of only 6,000 people who requested 27 million dollars in government earmarks, I will make her famous! Oops." -Jon Stewart

"How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial." --David Letterman

"And then after the Sarah Palin speech, John McCain comes on stage. Did you see that moment when John McCain comes on stage? And you thought, whoa, something dramatic will happen, and it turned out he was just looking for his glasses." --David Letterman

"And they said that Governor Palin was coached by some of John McCain’s senior advisers. Senior advisers? The guy is 72. How old are these guys? … Are they left over from the Bull Moose Party?" --Jay Leno

"They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words." --Jay Leno

"No, Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain." --Jay Leno

"Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention." --Jay Leno

"And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn’t it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'" --Jay Leno

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, "Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

"I guess there are some problems with Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly…used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor, it was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her. But it is not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"One of the convention speakers praised George Bush Sr. for passing the Americans with Disabilities Act, allowing people with disabilities to get hired. Thus, of course, paving the way for his own son to one day become President." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin’s husband was at the convention last night. And at one point, Palin said her husband’s parents were Eskimos. Then tonight, during John McCain’s speech, he admitted that his parents were Vikings." --Conan O'Brien

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. That's true, yeah. They endorsed McCain not so much because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin." --Conan O'Brien

"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman

"You know, Sarah Palin, John McCain selected her to be the vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket, and she's also the governor of Alaska, and outdoors, like the outdoors, likes assault rifles, has a collection of rifles, likes to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend: the kid's got guts." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, this woman has been the subject of intense media scrutiny for the past few days, and the big question going into tonight was how would she do, would she crack under the pressure? And, believe it or not, she actually did pretty well. She knows foreign affairs, you can see it right there. She looks different without the glasses." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The whole extended Palin family arrived this morning in St. Paul. They even brought the high-school kid who knocked her daughter up along. His name is Levi Johnston. That's gotta be a fun trip for him with the in-laws." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And, you know, Lieberman's voice reminds me of something. I can't put my finger on it who that he sounds like [Video: comparing Lieberman to Elmer Fudd]." --Jay Leno

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but did you see last night? Did you see when Bush was speaking by satellite they kept trying to change the channel?" --Jay Leno

"I gotta admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium 'cause it's kinda like Alaska: you look out on that convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you noticed this, but at the GOP convention, the cameramen are desperately trying to find minorities in the audience they could zoom in on, 'cause this is what they do. Finally, after an hour, they found one. It was a Presbyterian standing in a group of Methodists." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, 'Who is John McCain?' Tomorrow night’s theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well there's a lot of controversy about it. Apparently she told McCain about this weeks ago, but what happened was, I guess she said it into his bad ear. So he didn't realize." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, there was talk about canceling the Republican Convention because of Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, at least not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping out during the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was good." --Jay Leno

"The good news is Gustav has been downgraded to a tropical storm. Again, I don't think President Bush really understands this stuff. When he heard the levees were fine, he said, 'Thank God, but how are the Goldbergs? How are they doing?'" --Jay Leno

"And you've got to love this: Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. An avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there? That's all you need, right?" --David Letterman

"It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter will marry the young man. He's a fellow high school student of hers. His name is Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out that he's a 'f***ing redneck,' is what he said, and another quote from him, 'I don't want kids.' Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their their own Jamie Lynn." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I will tell you, nation, I am sick and tired of people saying Sarah Palin is inexperienced. It is sexism, pure and simple. Her enemies wouldn't be saying this if she was a man like Frank Matheny. Oh, you don't know Frank? He's the mayor of Boot Hill, Montana; population: 7,500. In about 20 months, he's going to make a great vice president. --Stephen Colbert

"Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." –Bill Maher

"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." –Bill Maher

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'We're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.'" –Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." –Jon Stewart

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton spoke at the convention last night. And it was sort of sad when in the middle of Clinton’s speech, John McCain wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." --David Letterman

"I do like that John McCain though. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who turns his business over to his son but still shows up at work once a week. “Hey, Randy, let me, uh ? Randy, can I see the invoices? Randy?" --David Letterman

"McCain and Obama are, as you probably know, ideologically speaking, they are completely different nominees. For example, one offers you hope, and the other offers you a dish of hard candy." --David Letterman

"Coming to work today, I see this guy selling maps to the stars' homes, right next to him, a guy selling maps to John McCain's homes. That's a big thing now." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, the Democratic Convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Don't confuse that with John McCain's convention next week, that's at the Polygrip Center, that's totally different." --Jay Leno

"And eighty-four year-old Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens won his Senate primary yesterday despite being indicted on corruption charges. He was indicted on corruption charges and he won the primary. He says he wants to get back in the Senate so he can keep working on the new issue most important to him: outlawing prison rape. Yeah, for some reason that's his new issue." --Jay Leno

"The publisher of Simon and Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. Isn't that nice, yeah. That's sweet. They also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets A Hearing Aid.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"And I guess the McCain campaign has a new theme song, it's by Ludacris. Did you hear this? Well, I guess the new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some controversy for Barack Obama, everybody's trying to help and it doesn't help, because it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way. Yeah. In fact when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he was stunned, he said 'What's an iPod'?" --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno

"In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that’s when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!" --Jay Leno

"Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being 'all talk and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno

"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watching 'Jeopardy.'" --David Letterman

"In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he's distantly related to the famous 19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, "Big deal, I went to high school with him." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And according to the TV show 'Extra,' former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He's in the running to join the cast of 'Dancing with the Stars.' That's true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything's turned around" --Jay Leno

"Nation, I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. 'Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens.' The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime?" --Stephen Colbert

"Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'Shut your piehole.' Good for him." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that next month he's planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Pace yourself, 'cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama was on 'Meet The Press' Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called 'I Wish I Could Meet The Press.'" --Jay Leno

"Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire." --Jay Leno

"Heard about this group called 'Prayer at the Pump'? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan." --Jay Leno

"John McCain campaigning very hard. Last night John McCain appeared on 'Larry King Live.' Yeah. The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute pee break." --Conan O'Brien

"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman

"You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left.... Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don't know what's less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days." --Jay Leno

"You see where John McCain met with the Dalai Lama? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, the man millions believe goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama." --Jay Leno

"In world news, I guess you've heard Barack Obama [was] elected Chancellor of Germany, ladies and gentlemen. ... As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land." --Jay Leno

"And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. It is Constitution Day in Puerto Rico. So, that's where the constitution went. I knew we weren't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

"Hey, have you heard John McCain's new campaign slogan? 'Hey guys! I'm over here!' Not a lot happening. You can tell McCain is starting to get a little desperate to get publicity. In fact, last night he was photographed leaving A-Rod's hotel room at 2:00 in the morning." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you know this or not. But right now Barack Obama is in the Mideast, and when he was over there he met with the Israelis, also met with the Palestinians. But not to steal the spotlight, John McCain also had a very busy day. He spent the entire day in the waiting room of Just Tires. But later he went to the park and played checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"But while Obama was speaking to 100,000 adoring fans in Germany, McCain made his own impressive German appearance [on screen: McCain with Senator Lindsey Graham after a meal at Schmidt's Sausage Haus]. Unfortunately, not many supporters showed up, possibly due to his advertising flyers: 'Come to John McCain's Sausage Party.' Senator, excellent job matching Obama step for step, but he has been to a lot of countries, so if you just cover your bases, you might want to hit an IHOP." --Stephen Colbert

"It's been a great week for Obama. To say he say won the photo-op battle this week is like saying Batman did okay at the box office. Things are so bad for John McCain -- I know this is going to seem like a joke -- but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here's what came up: nothing. That's real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn't know how to get on the internet, so it probably won't bother him." --Jimmy Kimmel

‘NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, 'That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

"A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it's gonna be Mitt Romney. See, I don't know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn't it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know? I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis, the deficit, gas prices, hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping, the national debt, tainted food. Failure to catch bin Laden. CIA leaks. Other than that, I think it's been pretty good" --David Letterman

"There was a huge reception for Barack Obama in the Middle East this past weekend. People were screaming, chasing him, hanging on his every word. And that was just the U.S. press corps." --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita." --David Letterman

"Former mayor Rudolph Giuliani took his buddy John McCain to the Yankee game. Yes, sir. And did you know this. It was old white guy day. That's what it was. I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy they would send out to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. McCain kept asking Giuliani, when's DiMaggio coming up?" --David Letterman

"Well, Nation, you've all heard the news. Jesus has returned to earth on a spaceship, cured cancer, and won the British Open. Did no one hear about that? Oh, maybe it's because Barack Obama decided to go backpacking overseas with a couple of his friends. You probably know his friends by their professional name: The entire media. Yes, they've all taken the next 10 days to find themselves on Barack Obama's Elitist Summer Abroad." --Stephen Colbert

"John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight." --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"We're doing things a little differently tonight. Big show, because Senator John McCain is here. ... You see, normally on Friday we would tape at 4:30, but to accommodate Senator McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Senator McCain wasn't available at 4:30 because that's when he eats dinner." --Conan O'Brien

"Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don't want to say the financial situation doesn't look good, but he testified via satellite from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday down in the White House lawn, President Bush and all the boys about the together and had a t-ball game. Anybody here ever play t-ball? Let me tell you, one inning of t-ball is the most exciting three hours in sports. And the t-ball, they had a great time. Everybody was going well until Vice President Cheney waterboarded the umpire." -David Letterman

"Of course, presidential race is on everyone's mind. Barack Obama works hard the wants to stay in shape. Presidential nominee Barack Obama has been going to the gym. He's also been playing hours of basketball. Yeah. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers." --Conan O'Brien

"With all this financial panicking going on, President Bush held a press conference and told everyone to take a deep breath. That's a good advice, huh? The economy is tanking and he's giving Lamaze classes. Very good. Isn't that what he told the people of New Orleans when the water was rising? 'Just take a deep breath and try to hold it for as long you can.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush said in his press conference our nation's troubled financial system is basically sound. Really? I mean, banks have folded, mortgage lenders are going under. Basically sound? I think 'basically screwed' is probably more [accurate]." --Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain of Arizona was a little bit confused twice in the last two days as he has made references to the country of Czechoslovakia. Unfortunately, Czechoslovakia has not existed for about 15 years -- it's now two countries called the Czech Republic and Slovakia. You'd think a man who was able to memorize every item on the early bird menu at Cocos could get it straight" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush spoke about the economy today. Did you hear what President Bush said today? He said, 'I am not an expert.' Not an economist? He's barely even a president. I just wish he had one area of expertise he was good at, you know? Maybe like whittling, something." --Jay Leno

"John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, 'You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight is a night of celebration. This great land we live in has reached an exciting milestone in the war on terror - the terror watch list is hitting the big 1-0-0-0-0-0, oh! You know that expression 'kick ass and take names?' It turns out this country is really good at one of those. We take a lot of names. It really is an incredible accomplishment." --Jon Stewart

"John McCain's economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is in a mental recession. Apparently we're experiencing a mental slowdown. Kind of like President Bush." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time. Apparently no more." –Jay Leno

"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." --Jay Leno

"Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands where I can see them!'" --Jay Leno

"Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be President because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't, I don't think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain's Medicare." --Jay Leno

"Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America 'a nation of whiners' and said the country is only in a 'mental recession.' Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house -- that's all in your mind!" --Jay Leno

"This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things were going so well. We had this big love-fest going! I hope this doesn't, ruin it, in any way!" --Jay Leno

"Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I've got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don't know, last night Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. That's what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Ralph Nader says that this November he expects to be on the ballot in at least 45 states. Yeah. Nader's exact quote was 'I hope to screw things up in at least 45 states.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention, but not the Republican convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset -- both of them." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters were interviewed for 'Access Hollywood, and now, right after they did the interview, Obama says he regrets allowing them to be interviewed for television. Says he regrets it. Yeah, John McCain says he also regrets allowing his daughters to be interviewed on television, take a look [on-screen: Two elderly women looking in camera, one with a walker. The other says 'We're voting for Truman!' as her 'sister' smiles and nods)." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 on Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Japan for the big G-8 summit, which is going on right now. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news -- we are no longer one of them. I wouldn't say the U.S. economy is doing bad, but you know how Bush got to Japan? Southwest." --Jay Leno

"Yeah. Actually there was one embarrassing moment for the President today at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don't get married." --Jay Leno

"Actually, you know what's interesting, here's some interesting political trivia for you. The last time that the Democrats had their convention in Denver was when they nominated William Jennings Bryant in 1908. And coincidentally, you know who the Republican nominee was that year? John McCain. It's amazing." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a nasty heat wave gripping most of the nation. In fact, it was so hot today John McCain offered a $300 million prize to the first person who could develop a prune Slurpee." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday President Bush met with the Russian President Dmitri Medvedev. Afterwards Bush described him as quote 'a smart guy.' Yeah. When asked how he knows he's smart, Bush said 'He speaks fluent Russian.' --Conan O'Brien

"Now everyone's fine, let me stress, everyone's fine, but earlier today the campaign plane carrying Barack Obama had to make an unscheduled landing due to some mechanical problems. And coincidentally, John McCain's campaign plane, also had some mechanical problems, take a look at this footage. [on screen: black and white old-timey footage of '20's era man on a runway, slowly riding a bike with wings and motor attached. The bike crashes, and the man scrambles to safety as the bike is engulfed by smoke and fire). He was wearing a phonebook in his pants." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, the Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000 seat football stadium. Yeah, 80,000 seat football stadium, that's pretty impressive. Yeah, meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." --Conan O'Brien

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium, and of course Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down. And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out on the lawn and peppered a buddy with some bird shot." --David Letterman

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"Oh, on this day in 1963, JFK was in Germany and he said, 'Ich bin ein Berliner,' do you remember that? Do you remember seeing it? Ich bin ein Berliner, I am a Berliner. And I'm thinking about it, now it would be nice if we had a president who could speak English." --David Letterman

"This morning, in a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court overturned Washington, DC's ban on handguns! Wooo! Finally, the residents of Washington, DC have the right to defend themselves. From each other, one assumes. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections." --Stephen Colbert

"The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and in women and with young people, minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Californians now driving across the border to get cheap gas in Mexico. Here's another tip. Instead of gas, try using Rite Aid vodka. Much cheaper, and about the same mileage." --David Letterman

"Hey, there was an interesting study released today which says that people who live here in the state of California are less convinced that there is a God than the people of any other state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires here in California are currently burning out of control." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough "green" energy to power the entire U.S. economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o'clock." --Craig Ferguson

"But it's also true of John McCain. He's inspired a new line of clothing, and I believe if you want some of the John McCain stuff, it's being sold at the Very Old Navy." --David Letterman

"John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery. McCain can get a new type of battery invented because he's the guy that came up with the idea of not cranking the car up at the start." --Craig Ferguson

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's wife Michelle, have you noticed she's making the rounds now? You notice when you turn on the TV, she wasn't as visible before, but now she's everywhere. Yesterday on 'The View,' I don't know if you saw that, Barack Obama's wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. She did that, yeah. And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five. That's what she said. Yeah, after hearing this, John McCain asked, 'What the hell is a high-five?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush went to Iowa today. Really, what's the hurry? Don't want to make the Katrina people jealous. No, he wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods, or his presidency." --Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's wife, was on 'The View' yesterday, and she managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done. She got a word in edgewise. Did you notice? I've never seen that happen." --Jay Leno

"This week, residents of a Romanian village decided to reelect their dead mayor rather than vote for the younger man running against him. Yeah, when he heard about it, John McCain said, 'That's a good sign.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that he will visit Iraq, or as John McCain still calls it, Mesopotamia. --Jay Leno

"Well, a new poll shows that less than 1 out of 4 Americans now think President Bush is doing a good job. 1 in 4. So that means when President Bush is having dinner with his wife and two daughters, he's the only one at the table that thinks he's doing a good job." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he plans to publish a book once he leaves the White House. We have an advanced copy here. This won't be out till January. It's 'Iraq on $100 Million a Day.' It's a travel book." --Jay Leno

"And now, of course, going head-to-head you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question he wants a five-minute nap. That's the way that's going to go down." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That's good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, President Bush acknowledged that he has had some regrets about his presidency. He says you don't get a second chance to do things over in his line of work. Really? What was that second term all about? Wasn't that supposed to be the chance to fix all this?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is wrapping up his farewell tour of Europe. And you know, he is getting contemplative now. He is thinking that he will write his memoir, he wants to write a book, a presidential memoir. Unfortunately, the problem with the president writing his presidential memoir, I mean, I think before you write a book you have to have read one." --David Letterman

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, another defeat for President Bush today. It seems that the Supreme Court ruled that detainees at Guantanamo Bay can file legal challenges to their detention. President Bush is very bitter about this. He said he may have lost, but it was a deeply divided Court that voted 5-4. It was 5-4. You know, the same vote that made him president -- 5-4." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama surprised a bunch of students in Chicago yesterday when he showed up unannounced at an eighth grade graduation. Gave a speech at the eighth grade graduation, pretty cool. Now, don't confuse that with President Bush's appearance last year at an eighth grade graduation. He was just there getting a diploma." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Europe. Again, you know, we like President Bush. I just don't think he has a real grasp of history. Did you see him in Berlin yesterday? He said, 'Am I crazy, or did there used to be a wall?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, and I guess President Bush is in Italy today. A little disappointed. Yeah, a little disappointed. For lunch, he said, he spent the whole day driving around, trying to find an Olive Garden. You know, the real Italian. All the breadsticks you can eat." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Jay, wheezing]: 'I'll be okay. Give me a minute!'" --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a secret meeting last night at Senator Dianne Feinstein's house. Feinstein said they sat in two comfortable chairs facing one another. And she also had a reclining Barcalounger and a blanket in case McCain showed up. So that was nice." --Jay Leno

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the National Intelligence director, only 30% of Afghanistan and its borders are under control by the government. Only 30%. Which sounds bad, until you realize only 20% of California borders are under control." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain said that he's in favor of change. That's what he said. McCain said, 'For example, I just switched from Cialis to Viagra.' A real change. Very nicely done." --Conan O'Brien

"Actually, Barack Obama also tried to call John McCain, but McCain had the TV up so loud, he couldn't hear." --Jay Leno

"There's no denying it, last night was truly historic. For the first time in the history of American politics, John McCain stayed up past 7:00 p.m. At McCain's rally, well over a dozen people electrified the atmosphere. After the third chant, they forgot his name" --Stephen Colbert

"Before we even get started, Barack Obama, of course, wrapped up the nomination last night. That's the big story. And now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"And former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan's book. He doesn't plan to read it. It's nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It's a book. It's got big words, and not a lot of pictures." --Jay Leno

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

"Hillary now says that she is winning the popular vote. And Al Gore said yeah, well, a lot of good that does." --David Letterman

"In his new book, President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, 'I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. The candidates are very excited to go. They say the only downside -- they hate it when he keeps pushing that bowl of ribbon candy on them. 'Try the butterscotch.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, on the news, they stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration?" --Jay Leno

"And McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he's healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God!" --Jay Leno

"You know the difference between 'American Idol' and the Democratic primaries? See, they count the votes on 'American Idol' from Florida and Michigan." --Jay Leno

The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That's the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies." --Jay Leno

"It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. ... And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!" --Jay Leno

"The Pentagon announced this week that the reward for capturing al Qaeda leader Abu al-Masri has been dropped from $5 million to $100,000. Yeah. And they say if that doesn't bring him in, they're prepared to go even lower." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message [on screen: photo of Bush standing in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner]" --Amy Poehler

"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn't have to attack him over here." --Jay Leno

"And the other day, John McCain made a speech about what things will be like five years from now. See, normally, a guy that age starts talking about the next five years, the word 'assisted living' usually comes up." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Pentagon announced this week, the reward for capturing al Qaeda leader in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri dropped from $5 million to $100,000. Well, here's my question. I mean, if nobody turned him in for $5 million, why would you then turn him in for $100,000?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he's everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien

"And according to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. When they told John McCain about this, he said, 'Huh?'" --Jay Leno

"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Have you heard about this? This is kind of an interesting idea. In a move they say could revolutionize politics, John McCain and Barack Obama said they might campaign together, go out together.They would go out and they would debate each other on the road. You got the older, grumpy white guy, and you got the young, smooth-talking black guy. Doesn't that sound like the premise for the worst sitcom of all time? Coming to NBC, it's 'Grandpa and the Brother!'" --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the West Virginia primary. Many political experts are expecting a record voter turnout. They think everyone's going to turn out. West Virginia voters say they're being lured to the polls by the excitement of the campaign, the closeness of the race and the promise of free squirrel meat." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush is getting married over the weekend. But she did not sign a prenup. Apparently, the family doesn't believe in exit strategies." --Craig Ferguson

"Boy, that's got to be every girl's dream, don't you think? Getting married in Crawford, Texas? And to add a little icing to the cake, I understand they're gonna be honeymooning in Plano." --Jay Leno

"The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is getting married tomorrow at the Bush family brush-clearing facility in Crawford, Texas. So, if you're feeling a little bit low this weekend, maybe you're in a bad mood, things aren't going right, just close your eyes and picture our president doing the chicken dance, because that is what will be happening." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta." --Seth Meyers

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman

"President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don't want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can't, of course, anymore." --Jay Leno

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno

"Today also happens to be the fifth anniversary of the day that President Bush stood in front of an aircraft carrier with the huge 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind him. Turned out, unless the mission was to blow two trillion dollars and wind up with four dollar a gallon gas, it wasn't accomplished. ... I'm going to miss President Bush, as a comedian. Not as an American." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it's good news. Government figures released by President Bush today shows we are not in a recession. Yeah. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. Then you're screwed." --Jay Leno

"Honest to God, David Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes. Now that's entertainment. Are you with me on that? Underwater for 17 minutes without breathing. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, interrogation." --David Letterman

"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on 'Oprah' - 17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama said in a speech yesterday, he now officially repudiates the Reverend Wright. To which President Bush said, 'Repudiate. That's like a black word, right?' I don't think he gets it. Like ebonics, I think." --Jay Leno

And why not? But I mean, you think about it. The primary season is just dragging and dragging and dragging and the election is not for another three years. So last week Pennsylvania, next week, my home state of Indiana. Then North Carolina primaries. Then Canada. Right? And then on to Europe. The European primaries are coming up." --David Letterman

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman

"Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC. President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn't know the song, 'The Wheels on the Bus.' They go 'round and 'round, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"If you're following the campaign, you know John McCain is currently on his tour of forgotten places. He's touring what he calls forgotten places. Of course, when you're 71, the room you just walked into is a forgotten place, isn't it? 'Why did I come in here again? I was just here.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed, since oil prices went up, Dick Cheney hasn't had one heart attack?" --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson

"John McCain has spent this week campaigning in what he calls the 'forgotten areas' of the country. He is visiting places that are being ignored by our leaders, places like Pennsylvania now, now that the primary is over. See, unfortunately, at McCain's age, as soon as he leaves these forgotten areas, he forgot he was there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien

"This campaign is very tough on the Democrats because they have to fight it out even longer. McCain, see, the only thing he has to fight is regularity." --Jay Leno

"Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 am phone call, and McCain says he is ready for the 3 pm nap." --David Letterman

"John McCain, no one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. He's just wandering around, nobody's talking about him. So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien

"And Monday night, President Bush made a surprise appearance on the TV show 'Deal or No Deal.' Yesterday morning, first lady Laura Bush was a guest host on the 'Today' show. I understand tomorrow, Vice President Dick Cheney is set to play his own evil twin on 'Days of Our Lives.'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain is now beginning a campaign to try and attract African-American voters. Now, McCain says that although he never marched with Martin Luther King, he did march with General Sherman through the South during the Civil War. So that's got to count for something." --Jay Len

"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, working on a new book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. The book just came out, we have a first copy here. It's called, 'Don't Blame Me. It was Cheney's Idea.'" --Jay Leno

"This is weird. I'm not making this up. ... Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show 'Deal or No Deal.' President Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Afterwards, Bush said, 'I like this show, because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you like John McCain? John McCain looks like the kind of guy that doesn't pick the phone up until the 12th ring. You know what I mean? He looks like the kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who thinks the cleaning woman will love any crap he's tossing out" --David Letterman

"Now here's something interesting. You know the Howie Mandel blockbuster quiz show, the game show 'Deal or No Deal?' Earlier tonight, appearing on 'Deal or No Deal,' President Bush. Meanwhile, over at ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars,' Dick Cheney collapsed."

"But it's true, Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman

"According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist." --Jay Leno

"You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I'd be a little suspicious." --Bill Maher

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

"And Ralph Nader, God bless him. Ralph Nader said today, he has not taken $1 in campaign contributions. Oh, he wants to. He just can't get anybody to give him $1." --Jay Leno

"How many watched the debate last night? [on screen: Light cheers and a few boos]. How many watched 'American Idol?' [on screen: Loud cheers and applause]. You get the government you deserve." --Jay Leno

"And at the party yesterday, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil, and then Dick Cheney gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Now, you may have seen this earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno

"According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way." --Jay Leno

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day." --Jay Leno

"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president? He's not the president anymore. Now he's like your college stoner roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon Stewart

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, 'Drop Dead,' to a new policy called 'Go F*ck Yourself Plus.'" --Bill Maher

"Here's something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use the Secret Service protection? ... Yeah, yeah. He hasn't been using them. He has his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers." --Jay Leno

"The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes. That's when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your enemies just start dying of natural causes!" --Jay Leno

"Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary said she attended out of respect for Dr. King's civil rights legacy, and also because she feels a special allegiance to a fellow sniper victim." --Bill Maher

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation." --Bill Maher

"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher

"The ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival in Baghdad. Well, it's nice to see Bush's economic plan working out somewhere." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. He's the only one. He's not using it. See, apparently, he has Life Alert." --Jay Leno

"We have the Italian Stallion on the show tonight -- Hillary Clinton, ladies and gentleman. As you know, in Philadelphia the other day, Senator Clinton said she is a lot like Rocky Balboa from the movie 'Rocky.' Is that a good idea? Don't we already have a president like Rocky? I mean, isn't eight years of a guy who talks like he's been hit in the head too many times enough?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain said he's putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead." --Jay Leno

"Actually, learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour, so you can learn about him. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budwesier beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, unlimited money -- I think I speak for all guys when I go, why is he running for president?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain, by God, has one of those 3 am phone calls. In this one, it's 3 am and he just gets up to go to the bathroom." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been campaigning all over the country this week. Yesterday, McCain gave a speech in Florida. He was in Florida. The Florida speech was at 2:30 in the afternoon 'cause McCain was the after-dinner speaker." --Conan O'Brien

"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose." --David Letterman

"He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. ... He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator." --David Letterman

"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, 'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'" --Jay Leno

"The London Daily Telegraph says that more and more Democrats now believe their candidate for president should be Al Gore, not Hillary or Barack. And today, President Bush said, 'Well, if Al Gore can run again, that means I can too, right?'" --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke ... speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either." --Jay Leno

"And Bush's secretary of housing announced he's stepping down. Well, sure, now that no one has a house anymore, he's got nothing to do." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain gave a speech at the high school he attended in Virginia. McCain told the senior class, 'What a coincidence! You graduated in '08 and I graduated in '08.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know who I like is that John McCain. You folks like John McCain?. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren." --Conan O'Brien

"But, see, I tell you - you know what's interesting? He's not a bowler, obviously. And Barack Obama made the typical mistake a lot of rookie bowlers make. He bowled sober. See, you never do that." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'" --David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who can't remember if he took his pill. He looks like the guy who goes to bed after Andy Rooney. He looks like the guy who has his exhaust pipe tied to his rear bumper." --David Letterman

This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"By the way, this has nothing to do with al Qaeda. You know, Bush is always talking about 'we're fighting al Qaeda and other extremists.' Yeah, al Qaeda who actually attacked us. This is a war between rival Mafia families with George Bush playing the part of 'Fredo.'" --Bill Maher

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident?" -- Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a a passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out. Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman

"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

"This week, John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He was in Israel. You know, he is hugely popular in Israel ever since he stood with the Jewish people against the pharaoh. They've never forgotten." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning back now would harm all the gains we've made. Like oil $100 a barrel, worthless dollar, a recession. We can't afford to lose any of that!" --Jay Leno

I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas, over $4 a gallon. Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard about this he said, "You know, I'm more concerned about the price of gasoline here in America." --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain was in England, where he visited his birthplace, Stonehenge." --Jay Leno

"Well, we have former presidential candidate John Edwards on the show tonight. He ran a terrific campaign. His No. 1 issue, of course, was the poor and those who live in poverty. Or, as we call them now, Bear Sterns stockholders." --Jay Leno

"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential nominee John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president is to introduce to the Iraqi people the concept of the early bird special. Yeah, eating dinner at 4:30." --Jay Leno

"Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush said his decision to invade was 'remarkably effective.' Yeah, that's why we're still there after five years. Happy Anniversary!" --Jay Leno

"Interesting fact came out today on the new $5 bill. It turns out it used to be the old $10 bill." --Jay Leno

"How about that John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Do you like John McCain? John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush's Iraq policy. I said, well, sure, slice me eight more years of that, will ya?" --David Letterman

"I do like John McCain. He looks like a guy who thinks he is sheriff of the neighborhood, you know? 'You're going to have to trim back those hedges. You are gonna have to get out there and trim them back.' ... He looks like the guy who is a regular at the paint store. 'What color is that? You gotta use that up. I'm looking for a Humbolt Blue.' ... He looks like a guy who walks by your house with his arthritic dog." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, you know where he is right now? He's in Baghdad. He visited there. While he was in Iraq, he said that it's a successful endeavor. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the explosions." --David Letterman

"How about the economy? You folks jittery about the economy? And the stock market? ... George Bush, earlier today, reassured the country about the economy. He said, 'I'm on top of it.' George W. Bush, our president, said I'm on top it. I said to myself, well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman

"John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. ... Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to Iraq. Or, as he calls it, Spring Break." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Cheney on the news, sitting with the troops having breakfast? Did you see the breakfast in front of him? The plate was loaded with sausage, bacon, eggs. Who put that meal together? al Qaeda? Was that their plan? Wait for his heart to explode when he's in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, this week marks the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war and the third anniversary of 'Mission Accomplished.' ... Remember critics saying, oh, the war was just about oil so we could keep the price of gasoline cheap? That worked out well, didn't it? Now we're the ones with shock and awe." --Jay Leno

"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain" --Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline, oh, my God, it's going crazy. In Hawaii, now over $4 a gallon. Again, President Bush, I don't think he understands the problem. Like today, he says, 'First off, nobody drives to Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno

"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3." --Jay Leno

"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God." --Jay Leno

"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman

"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

"You know the amazing thing to me about this whole situation is? Now, we didn't know anything about this woman. She'd given a fake name, 'Kristen,' and a vague general description -- 5'5", petite. That's all we knew. Yet, reporters tracked her down in a day and a half. A day in a half, they found her. Now, Osama bin Laden, the most famous terrorist in the world -- he's 6'6", he's got a beard, he wears the same robe and turban every day -- we have no idea." --Jay Leno

"Taking over for Governor Spitzer will be the lieutenant governor, David Paterson, who is legally blind. Interesting. Once again, I don't think President Bush really understands the situation. In fact, when he heard 'legally blind,' he said, 'I love that movie.'" --Jay Leno

"With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so fast from President Bush, he ran into Barack Obama, who was running from his minister, and Hillary, who was running from Geraldine Ferraro. And they all just collided." --Jay Leno

"Did you see how much the dollar fell again today? ... The dollar is so low now, all of Eliot Spitzer's hookers demand euros." --Jay Leno

"A blue-ribbon panel of educators put together by President Bush -- President Bush put these guys together. He's determined that other countries' kids are better at math because we try to teach our kids too much. Oh, that's the problem? We're teaching them too much. Teach them less and they'll learn more. In fact, don't teach them at all, they could grow up to be president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, things are bad. We've got an unpopular war, we have high energy prices, slumping economy. I just hope to God the president doesn't find out." --David Letterman

"You folks excited about the presidential race? What do you think of John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy at the bakery who doesn't hear his number called. ... He looks like the guy who likes to watch the plumber work." --David Letterman

"Big news out of the Pentagon. The Pentagon just published a report, just a couple of hours ago, that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. Never any link. Yeah. The report is entitled, 'Oops, Our Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The president was pretty blunt in his speech today, but at the end he managed to put a positive spin on things [on screen: Bush laughing after a series of negative things are said about the economy]. He has a special gift, and that is being able to see humor in everything. Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know how the governor got caught? Through wiretaps. You see, Democrats get caught in sex scandals through wiretapping. Republicans get caught in sex scandals through foot tapping." --Jay Leno

"I think the world of John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who still talks real loud on a long-distance phone call? 'What time is it where you are? What? Can you hear me?' ... He looks like the guy you are waiting for to stop gabbing with the teller. ... He looks like a guy who sits at his dinner tray and watches the 'Beltway Boys.' ... He looks like the relative who you get blank e-mails from. ... He looks like the guy whose wife forced him to go on a cruise. ... He looks like the guy you have to nudge when his name is called. ... He looks like a freelance crosswalk guard." --David Letterman

"In a press conference today, President Bush announced America is not headed into a recession, especially if you own an oil company." --Jay Leno

"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. ... In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say McCain is old, but yesterday he got on the wrong bus, and ended up taking a gambling junket to Atlantic City." --Jay Leno

"He says things will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher

"At the press conference, they asked him about the fact gas is approaching $4. You know what Bush said? He said, 'That's interesting. I hadn't heard that.' See, Bush thinks a news conference is where reporters give him the news" --Bill Maher

"President Bush on Thursday said that the country is not heading for a recession and that the economy is actually robust. He added, 'Case in point, I'm rich!'" --Amy Poehler

"Well, this is depressing. Oil is now over $100 a barrel. Experts say gas could reach $4 a gallon, yeah. I believe the experts are named Bush and Cheney." --Jay Leno

"During a press conference today, President Bush said the following. He said it's important we make the economy stronger so -- quote -- 'families can put money on their table.' Yes, then Bush said that Americans should deposit food in their bank accounts. It was a good speech. I liked it. It's hard to top what he actually said." --Conan O'Brien

"No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno

"No, Nader says his reason for running is that he spent over 40 years as a consumer advocate. I think after 40 years of studying consumers' wants and needs, he'd realize consumers don't want or need him now" --Jay Leno

"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien

"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman

"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno

"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno

"You know what's amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners. Foreigners won everything. In fact, today, Lou Dobbs called for a 10-foot fence to be built around Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"Nader's gonna be 74 next week. In fact, the good news, if Ralph gets sick, his younger brother, Raul Nader, will then take over." --Jay Leno

"This is exciting news. Southern Methodist University announced that they will be the home of George W. Bush's presidential library. This will be the first presidential library to be made up entirely of small, shiny objects. In fact, I understand right now, they're building a shelf for the book." --Jay Leno

"Now, as you probably know, President Bush's wife, Laura, was a librarian when they met. Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library" --Jay Leno

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he is running for president again. His announcement has filled millions of people with excitement and hope. And these people are called Republicans." --Craig Ferguson

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

"No, they say this woman traveled around with McCain on his campaign stops, and she also flew aboard his private jet. Do you know what you call a young woman traveling around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse." --Jay Leno

"They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, 'Actions speak louder than words,' Then Obama said, 'Words can speak as loud as actions.' And then McCain said, 'Speak louder!'" --Bill Maher

"John McCain's pick-up line is, 'Did you know that 150 is the new 130?'" --Bill Maher

"Come on, what girl could resist? An old guy with anger problems and a bus." --Bill Maher

"But I'm not buying this. I don't believe this story. I think this is a cynical attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. ... Because there's no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured it was Rudy Giuliani." --Bill Maher

"Speaking of cheating ... Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler

""The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno

"They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she called McCain out of the blue and asked, "Are you happy with your current sex provider?" --Jay Leno

"Mike Huckabee's campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the big rallies, Chuck Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" I like that John McCain. He looks like a guy who gets tickets for mowing under the influence. He looks like a guy with a collection of movies he bought at the car wash. He looks like a guy on the beach with a metal detector. He looks like the guy who is still confused by the phone answering machine: 'Hello, is that - hello, is that you? Larry, Larry, hello?' He looks like the guy who calls his grandson when he screws up the remote: 'Well, now all the shows are in Spanish. What am I going to do, hello? He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn't he a little bit? He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned - you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he's 72 years young. He looks like the guy who's bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol. He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He's the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that's what he looks like. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb." --David Letterman

"John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, 'He'll lead you into the 21st century.' I like it better than the old slogan, which was 'He'll lead you into assisted living.'" --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan - "Ready To Lead America Into The 21st Century." Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old slogan, 'I've Been Around Since The 19th Century.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter.'" --David Letterman

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is now in Africa, where he's meeting with several of Africa's top leaders. See, again, I don't think President Bush is that familiar with Africa. Like, today, he said the leader he's most looking forward to meeting - the Lion King." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday appearing on stage together in Boston, Mitt Romney endorsed John McCain. You see that picture? You see him standing there? Looked like the head of Leisure World giving out an award to the senior shuffleboard champion. --Jay Leno

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'Why did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno

Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno

"Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno

"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno

"Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno

"Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney did not do too well. Mitt Romney keeps touting the impottance of having a job in the private sector. Now it looks like he might need it." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting? Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

"We had Senator John McCain on the show last night. If he wins, he would be the oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? ... Nasty, nasty debate, at one point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair cracked." --David Letterman

"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a party. Friends got together and threw a big party for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno

"The Democrats will not count the Florida vote. They're punishing Florida for moving their primary up. Do you know about this? So the delegates don't count. How ironic is that? The one election in Florida that is done early and it doesn't count." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. ... He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations." --David Letterman

"During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the economy. So, apparently, he's drinking again." --David Letterman

"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno

"You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California." --Jay Leno

"Here's one of those philosophical questions. If Fred Thompson stopped campaigning, how could you tell?" --Jay Leno

"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno

"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno

"At the big Democratic debate the other night, NBC would not allow presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that? NBC saying your ratings are too low. That's like Britney Spears going, 'What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno

"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. ... Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my part.'" --Jay Leno

"The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don't even show an ID to get into the country" --Jay Leno

"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. ... But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David Letterman

"New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he's in it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert. ... He was a little awkward. 'Cause his English isn't very good and, of course, President Bush's is worse." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? ... President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. ... I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee, to Barack Obama. ... Iowa has spoken. Cold, white people have had their say. Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder, whiter people will have their say. And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee will soon be the president of Scandinavia." --Jon Stewart

"As you know, tonight was the big night in Iowa. ... It's easy to remember because this is the only big night in Iowa. ... You know what the candidates average? They spend an average of $200 per vote in Iowa. $200 per vote! How many would rather have the cash?" --Jay Leno

"We don't know the results. So I'm just going by the polls in the paper this morning. But Fred Thompson, what happened to him? Oh, my God. He's doing so badly, it's like he's back here on NBC." --Jay Leno

"The Writers Guild strike does continue. Fortunately, we've been able to negotiate an agreement but the strike continues. ... Here's what the writers want and you tell me if you don't think this is fair. Here's all they want: The Writers Guild wants a share of Internet revenues and four more years of President Bush." --David Letterman

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. ... Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, earlier this week, the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel. You see, I don't think President Bush really understands this issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all. He said, 'Most Americans buy their oil in little cans.'" --Jay Leno

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, the writers strike is still going on. And during the strike I like to show my support. So here's what I would do. I'd go out to the picket line every day, and as I drove by I'd have my chauffeur honk. ... I'm the kind of guy I make no pretenses about this. I need writers. I'm one of those guys I got to have writers. Me without writers is like Roger Clemens without human growth hormones." --David Letterman